[Mkguild] story start

[Chris]

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From: mkguild-bounces at lists.integral.org
[mailto:mkguild-bounces at lists.integral.org] On Behalf Of jerethdalion
Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 2:29 PM
To: mkguild at lists.integral.org
Subject: [Mkguild] story start
 
can someone give me a bit of advice on this story ive been workin on its
not muc hbut it sets th feel for the piece
 
 
 
>>>I’m always willing to offer some advice and help!
 
 
 
  
The Forsaken one’s tale.
 
 
 
A Tale of Metamor Keep
 
“Forsaken, outcast, pariah” The words burned hard and hot in the young
outcasts mind as she began to trek northward.
Although she knew this was coming, the shame caused her eyes to water.
 
Pulling the black cloak around her trembling shoulders, Varlic headed
out of her home-hall, to the outlying hamlet at the edge of her clan’s
land. She knew that the elders would have sent someone to watch her to
ensure that she left them as bereft of possessions as she was when she
joined them. Save for the coarse black cloak
Both for modesty's sake as well as to identify her to all her kind as a
forsaken. 
Nearing the herder’s
>>>This break shouldn’t be here. As the lines above and below it are
part of the same sentence.
Hamlet, Varlic saw the familiar form of Ra’trik… her lover…her
betrothed.
“Humph.” he snorted. “ I told you your abnormality would do this to
you.”
 
“DO TO ME “! She shouted fully aware of the spectacle she was making,
her voice dropped to an accusatory hiss, “You did this …you told the
council about me,
It’s not my fault though you kneew that and still you …” 
>>>Small typo knew not kneew
 
 
Ra’trik broke her off “I did what I had to do, Forsaken for the good of
the clan the purity of our blood.” He stepped back “ As you go … take
this “ thrusting a small plain leather pouch towards her “it has a few
things to help you survive …also something to remember me by” … Ra’trik
turned away his eyes moist, from the chilly air.
Turning her back on Ra’trik, her home, her way of life, Varlic made for
the pass through the barrier range…
 
Back in the clans council Varlic’s father Veragh was striving to get the
punishment reversed.
“Elder, this is wrong, my daughter she is not at fault .her mixed blood
betrays her. It is her blood at fault not her.” 
“Silence Veragh, she is dead to you, to us. Speak no more of this to us.
Why Elder its wrong and you know it is, Quiet Veragh Ra’trik knew of her
lineage when he requested my blessing, so why did he betray her to the
council I knew he knew and the council knew but once he challenged her
blood rights we had to act it is a matter of principal 
I hold nothing against Varlic,” The elder replied anger evident in the
set of his head
 
>>>You need a period at the end of that sentence.
 
“Then let her return qorfuu isn’t going to change with one like her, you
knew it to happen when we took in the stranger generations ago why now
do you exile her.
I suppose Veragh it will be public knowledge soon enough, he has
requested to join the council apprentices, I can only assume that he
turned her in to further his chances.
 
>>>You need to add “ at the end of those speaking lines.
 
As the conversation between Veragh and the council elder continued
Varlic was nearing the edge of the clans territory.
As she left the outlying sentiments Varlic wept freely her tears a trail
of her shame, her misery.
Leading up to the home range of her people…
“No they’re not my people not any longer” Varlic thought to herself “I
am alone I have nothing “. 
As her naked feet carried her away into the cold lonely darkness of the
southern night.
Her shadow, turned back to return home sure now of Varlic’s compliance
to the dictates of the council. A heavy heart in his chest as his friend
and childhood companion was lost… lost to all mind’s and memory.
 
Varlic paused the pale light of the moon lighting up her rest stop
A large granite boulder over looking a small clearing, forming an easily
defensible position from the nocturnal predators of the mountains. 
Pulling her cloak tighter around her, the cool autumn air causing her
breath to rise as mist as she smothered a small shiver “got to keep
warm” she thought, as she pulled the pouch off of her neck the ‘parting
gift’ her beloved had pressed upon her.
Opening the small pouch carefully, she reached inside feeling around for
the gift he gave to her.
“Hmmm” she said as she felt some familiar round objects, Gold Coins, she
realized a she pulled one out “these aren’t my homelands minted coins
Ra’trik he must have traded them for me.
Placing the coin back in she felt around to see what else was there.
Her questing fingers soon fell upon the angular shape of a belt knife,
Pulling it gently out Varlic was pleased to find its edge keen even
though it was a bland design lacking any ornamentation.
Placing the dagger to her own chest she considered this way of ending
her pain, her exile. Her loss the impact of losing all she had all she
ever would have to be non-existent to her family a simple dagger her
only reminder. Even as the sharp metal bit into her warm flesh.
She heard a ghostly call unlike anything in this world; clearly the
words came not from her mind but from the vast expanse of wilderness
around her 
“No don’t” she heard the words, a whisper faint easily dismissible as a
figment of her imagination, save that the voice held a note of command,
Remembering the knife at her chest Varlic hesitantly pulled it away
pausing before placing it into the simple leather sheath, as she called
out,
“Who, who is out there, what being or daemon be thou?” 
Silence answered her query. 
Varlic waited, as the song of crickets, was punctuated with the
occasional howl of a wolf, yet no more was the voice heard,
As Varlic settled down to stand watch, as a precaution against the
predators of the night slowly against her will Varlic be being lulled to
sleep by the wild peaceful sounds around her…?
 
Dawn broke casting its pale autumn rays on the rocks and trees
surrounding the young outcast.
“Yeagh” she yawned wakened by the warming rays “I slept…I cant believe I
slept “Varlic said aloud as she stood up readjusting the black coarse
cloak.
Failing to notice the small handprint in the stone where she had lain.
Nor the dryness of the stone lacking in dew from the night her mind
still tormented, she was oblivious to these small things, as Varlic went
about her morning business of getting something to eat and drink 
She pondered on the nature of the voice from the night before. Was it
real, a hallucination? 
Even after Varlic had eaten her breakfast, a flimsy affair consisting of
a few early nuts and juniper berries, the sound from the night before
continued to haunt her thoughts.
 
"It’s Hauntingly soothing; voice echoing through her soul putting an
unusual spring in her step even though her heart was filled with
despair.
Each step taking her further and further from the land of her birth,
Varlic walked upward ascending to the mountain pass the going made slow
by her short legs and the difficult ground she had to cover. 
 
 A good start! I like it! You have the start of a nice story here.
A few little details you might want to consider. You can describe her
more, what she looks like – her hair color – etc. Also you had some odd
line breaks at some points. What format are you saving your story in?
Outlook and the programs in the mailing list server can act weird
sometimes with certain file formats.
 
Hope this helps!
Chris O’Kane
The Lurking Fox

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