[Mkguild] A lion tries his courage at writing, part(3/3)

[Marijn van de Mosselaar]

>>I think the story plot and so forth are all fine.  You could stand to do =
some more editting of course, but we all can.  =

>>Do you have somebody who can dedicate the time to give you good feedback =
on that?
Thanks for the praise. At the present time I don't have anyone I can rely o=
n for feedback. =

>>As for your characters, Marto seems an interesting chap.  We don't have a=
y lions at Metamor, so he's a good addition.
Again thanks. No lions at Metamor? No main characters maybe but surely some=
 casually mentioned filler lions.
>>I also like Simon the python.  Not enough snakes around, especially not g=
ood ones like pythons!  =

>>You might want to avoid excessive duplication of "s" when he speaks.  It =
looks clunky after a while and makes it harder to read.  =

You have point with the speech. Maybe if I reduce it to when Simon starts o=
r closes a sentence with an S-word to duplicate the "s" =

and maybe when he gets riled up as well.
>>I was surprised that Jack DeMule only had a cameo and not even a line to =
say, but otherwise the story looks plot and setting-wise fine.Jack's cameo =
was really only so I could sprinkle a few more well-known MK-characters in =
the story so it'd be more attached to =

the MK-setting. As for why Jack doesn't have a line, I wanted to story to m=
ove on from there so I could get to the bits with =

Simon and Marto interacting.
Also I haven't a clue what kind of thing Jack might say in that situation. =
It's been too long since I read any stories with him in it. =

As it stands I'll just imply that Jack was surprised and leave it to the im=
agination of the reader to come up with the words to go with that.
 =

 =

 =

Leo M. Panther
 =

 =

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