[Mkguild] "Expansion of Power"

[Kamau]

I will let those whose characters you involved respond to your question 
of appropriate use but I will give some pointers in other aspects of 
this piece.

The first thing that jumped out at me was the repeated use of the word 
hyacinth in close proximity through out the piece.  This was especially 
true in the very beginning.  I would suggest finding other terms or 
phrases that would work. "Magical flower" or "Magic source" might work. 
  Also you might rework the paragraph to reduce the need for the repeats.

There were a number of typos and missing words that further editing 
would find and remove.  Editing would also smooth out some of the 
sentences and help in the flow of the story.

As for the story itself I would personally say it is non canon.  I am 
also a bit uneasy with Jessica's actions but considering how Marzac 
twists people I will let Matthias respond to that.

Over all the story shows you can craft an MK tale and do so in an 
enjoyable manner.  I would encourage you to continue to work on other 
stories as you can.

Kamau



On 7/22/2010 10:33 PM, Nathan Pfaunmiller wrote:
> This is a new story that I both started and finished today.  It is
> currently noncanon, but I am interested in working it into canon if none
> of the concerned writer's have a problem with it.  If it at all
> interferes with their plots, or my use of their characters at all is
> unacceptable, I'm perfectly fine with leaving it noncanon, I just wanted
> to write it for fun.
>
> _____________
>
> Expansion of Power
>
> By LurkingWolf


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