[Mkguild] First Steps (4/?)

[Nathan Pfaunmiller]

	Alex looked at his friend quietly.  It was early evening, and he had
just arrive a few minutes before, after the news of Gerard’s difficult
decision reached his ears by way of Lucy.  She had been on her way out
of the city when she had been informed, and had tasked herself with
finding and informing any of Gerard’s close friends she could find.
As a reasonably recent addition to the group, Alex was surprised that
she knew so much about Gerard’s friends.  The news she bore took any
mirth from the situation in the next heartbeat.

	“You need to reconsider,” the lynx said in a quiet growl.  “Think of
your family!”

	“I am thinking of my family, Alex,” the stag responded.  He spoke in
a voice that was infuriatingly calm and quiet.  “First, we have no
money to fund the necessary operation.  Second, even if I did, it
would be a long process, with no guarantee of success at the end.
Third, I believe Eli is leading me in this direction.”

	Alex just fought the urge to spit angrily at the mention of his
friend’s god.  He normally respected the opinions of his friend, but
this just seemed like taking it a step too far.  “Gerard, making this
decision will lose your livelihood.  You may be able to survive it
better at first, but where will you get the money to feed your family
in the months ahead?  Putting your sons to work?  You know as well as
I do the perils of putting them to a craft before they are Cursed.”

	“Eli will provide a way.”

	“What if Eli provided a way to save your leg?” Alex asked pointedly.

	“I am well more than enough convinced that no such provision is
forthcoming.  I have received word that I deem sure enough to claim
Eli’s voice behind it, and I would be forced to condemn anything less
as a trick of the Enemy,” Gerard responded.

	“You’re not making sense!” Alex spat.  “Listen, I have well more than
enough gold to be able to live for several months without income.  My
income as a squad commander was well more than enough to take care of
my small needs.  The most I ever spent in a week was when I went with
you and the others to have a meal at the Mule.  I could afford to pay
for Coe’s procedure, and I am offering that provision to you now.”

	“I have heard tell that you are no longer a scout commander,” Gerard
said slowly.  “The regular scout’s pay would keep you alive for a
while, but expenses would pile up, and then you would be the one in
need of help.”

	Alex glanced out the window, shaking his head for a moment before
looking back at his friend.  “I could ask George for my command back.
He would give it to me; he made that much quite clear when I requested
a demotion.  It was not his will to strip my rank; it was my own when
I thought that I had caused the deaths of two good men.  If I can help
save your leg, then I would consider myself fit to return to the
field.”

	“If my disability is the only reason that you are holding out of your
command, I beg you to return,” Gerard responded.  “I do not wish your
help in a course of action that I have decided not to take; it would
go against my faith, and against my conscience.  Still, it was no
fault of yours that Lois and I were forced to make the long journey on
our own.  I told you to run; had I died, it would have been my own
choice, and I would not have wasted any of my last thoughts on earth,
nor any of them in Paradise blaming you for the loss of my life.”

	“And the loss of your mind?” Alex said bitterly.  “I ran into Lois
this afternoon.  He filled me in on most of the details of your trek.
I know very well that the lutins had decided not to kill you
Immediately, at any rate.  What if, perhaps, those magic stones
eviscerated the immortal soul you hope will one day be in your
Paradise?  We have no proof one way or the other.”

	“Ours is not to question such things.  My faith is, though, that Eli
is powerful enough to create this world, and he would not let a soul
that he created, belonging to a man who trusted Him, to be destroyed
in such a way.”  Alex moved to object again, but Gerard held up a
hoof.  He halted once or twice before he spoke again, but managed to
begin speaking before Alex could interrupt.

	“I am more worried for you now than I am for myself.  Your loyalty is
a great strength, and I would never have you throw it away, but
blaming yourself for everything that happens will kill you if you let
it.  Suppose I had been killed that day.  You returned here and
resigned as a commander.  What then?  I do not doubt that your guilt
and your anger would have driven you to make foolish decisions if you
were presented with the opportunity for vengeance.  You could have
been killed, and that would have been the greater tragedy.”

	Alex continued to look out the window, but he nodded.  “I always
blame myself for those people who die under my command.  I do not
remember all of their names, but the faces of the men we fought beside
in the Winter Assault still haunt me.  Could I give my own life to see
one of them survive, I would do it without a moment’s hesitation.”

	“I believe Eli is working on you, my friend,” the stag said with a
hint of a smile.

	Alex chuckled, but shook his head.  “I don’t need any god to tell me
that I should feel regret for their loss.”

	“I do not speak of regret for their loss, although I am certain that
you feel that as well.  I mean that self-sacrificing love that would
drive you to save another man’s life, even if you did not know their
names.  For that you do need Eli.  I hope you realize that someday,
and put that in place of your own regret.”

	Alex sniffed and blew a small breath of air from his nose, calming
himself down.  “When will they be removing the leg?” he asked, finally
conceding defeat.

	“I wait for Coe to return.  He should be along before long, and he
will have to decide when we need to perform the surgery once I tell
him what my decision will be.”

	“Coe has been here for the last ten minutes.  I saw him walking down
the road through your window.  I believe your wife was hoping I could
talk you out of this.”

	Gerard smiled and shook his head.  “She may have that hope, but only
because I have not told her how I came to my conclusion.  If she heard
that, I am certain that she would understand, and that she would be
more willing to stand with me.”

	“How did you come by your decision?” Alex asked.

	Gerard smiled.  “I had avoided saying specifically, because I know
your opinion of Eli’s work.  However, I think that I should tell you
since you asked.  My son asked Eli about what I should do; my youngest
son did, I mean.  He relayed to me what he was told.  I know you might
contend that it was just his opinion wrapped in such a way so as to
seem to come from Eli, and I might be tempted to agree, had he told me
to keep the leg.  I cannot see even the most selfless child deciding
that his father should give up a leg of his own mind, though.  No
child who understands what that means would even suggest it.”

	Alex nodded slowly.  It was true, he would usually have dismissed the
notion, but there was a feeling in his heart, something that told him
that his friend’s reasoning was sound.  Perhaps it was not Eli; other
gods had been heard speaking to their followers in any number of ways.
 Perhaps the Fates had, in one way or the other, decided to relay
their decisions to Gerard directly.  Whatever the case, Alex would not
try to convince him otherwise.

	“I will go fetch the healer, then,” he said quietly.  “And Gerard?”

	“Yes?” the stag looked at him attentively.

	“I intend to retake my command position as soon as George will let
me.  Count on me to provide for your family for as long as I have the
resources to do so.”

	Gerard opened his mouth to object, but Alex left before he could say
a word.  Perhaps this was Eli’s first method of provision.  It might
not last long; Alex had himself to feed, after all, and suddenly
taking on the entire financial burden of a five-person household was
not something that most bachelors were suited to.  Still, Alex had
always been excellent when it came to adjusting to situations on the
fly, at least on the battlefield.  Perhaps he would be able to adjust
effectively.

	Not that Gerard planned to make it necessary for too long.  He would
not force anyone to shoulder a burden that should be his to hold.  If
he had to hold the burden on the strength of a single leg, he meant to
do so.

	Coe entered the room a few moments after Alex left, closing the door
behind him and latching it.  He then closed the curtains over the
window so that none of the boys might see more than they should
because of their curiosity.

	“How are you feeling today, Gerard?” Coe asked as he began to remove
the bandages from the injured leg.  He worked carefully, but the leg
was still tender.

	“I feel about as well as I could expect in this situation.  Pain
notwithstanding, I am at peace with my decision.”  Coe spared him a
glance, but returned to working with the bandages shortly thereafter.

	“I heard from your wife that you intended to have me amputate.  Is
that still your decision?” he asked.

	Gerard nodded.  “Yes.  I have given it a good bit of thought and more
prayer, and this is what I believe that I should do.”  Coe finished
unwrapping the leg, and began to inspect the injuries again.  Gerard
wasn’t sure if the raccoon was looking for a reason to argue with his
patient, but the look on the man’s face seemed to indicate only the
opposite was to be found during his inspection.

	“One of these days, even if I don’t live to see it, I hope future
healers find a way to avoid this,” he said, shaking his head.

	“Even if that does occur in the future, I still wish to take this
step in the present,” Gerard said.  “When would you be able to do it?”

	“The sooner the better,” the raccoon said.  “The infection is moving,
and the longer we wait, the more I may have to remove.  If you can
bear to part with it tonight, I am ready and willing.”

	Gerard was fully resolved to let Coe amputate the leg, but the
suggestion of that night still hit him like a brick in the face.  “So
soon?” he asked.

	“Soon is relative,” Coe responded.  “This is two days from my initial
diagnosis, but this infection has been growing for weeks.  Soon would
be making the decision the day after the injury.  Now it is merely
just soon enough.  Are you ready?”

	Gerard looked into Coe’s dark eyes.  He opened his muzzle to speak,
but words failed him.  Instead, he nodded, slowly, but with strong
conviction.

	“All right.  I’ll have your friend Alex help you up to my office.  I
could bring my tools here, but I’m certain your family would not
appreciate the implicit additions to your décor.  Just wait here, I’ll
be back shortly.”

	His conviction remained unmoved, but Gerard still prayed from that
moment until the attending mage induced the deep sleep that would
spare him the pain of the surgery.  Things were falling together
quickly, but things were changing even more quickly.  He simply prayed
that Eli would stay with him throughout these troubled days.

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