[Mkguild] The Abridged Series: Winter's First Chill & The Winter Assault

[Rimme the Weasel]

[It's been nearly 2 years to the day since I posted parodies of Liturgy of
Blood and Llyn's Tribulations. Now that I finally read Winter Assault,
well... now it's time for another installment.]


=== WINTER'S FIRST CHILL ===

Misha: Charles, this whole subplot of you and Rickkter fighting over a
staff is annoying. Give it back or you won't be a Long Scout.

Charles: Grrr, how dare I be forced to do something uncomfortable. Time for
a drink.

Kimberly: No!

Charles: You're right. You go ahead to Mass, I have to do some vague
unexplained errand first, because that's what relationships are based
around.

----

Andares: I hate humans because they destroy things.

Kashin: Wow, how beautifully you've built your city around the forest, and
how pretty your songs are! I guess your hatred is justified.

----

Charles: Surprise! For your graduation ceremony, Garigan, I've smuggled my
two best friends into the Keep, even though one is a wanted murderer. Hmmm,
I'd better not say that last part out loud.

----

Wessex: Tonight is fantasy Christmas, when magic is strongest. Maybe I'll
try that augury thing again.

Phil: So long, Wessex, I'm off to Lorland. I know it sounds crazy to ride
through a blizzard at night, but I will do anything, ANYTHING, to make sure
I don't get involved in any, I don't know, crazy shenanigans at the Keep.

Wessex: Oh, wow, this augury proves Charles is innocent! And Yonson is
involved! I'd better tell someone about--

Agathe: (stabs)

Wessex: (stabs and dies)

Agathe: How dare you stab me, you pig-headed stain of butt phlegm! Take
this!

Wessex: Braaains...

----

Qan-af-arael: Humans are destined to rule the world, because they are
impatient and get bored easily.

Kashin: I'm bored and impatient. Tell me who I'm supposed to kill.

Qan-af-arael: First, a story. Once upon a time, an Aelf named Yajakali
turned our beautiful capital city into the evil land of Marzac with three
evil doohickeys. One of those doohickeys was seen in Metamor, which along
with other signs shows that great events will soon unfold.

Kashin: Cute. Now tell me who to kill.

Qan-af-arael: Everyone who goes to Marzac becomes evil, so you must not go
there, because that's where Akabaieth's killer lives. You must instead go
to Yesulam, and kill the man who performed the fake exorcism on Marzac, and
his followers.

Kashin: Hold on, couldn't I just camp outside Marzac until the killer
leaves? I'm pretty good at sneaking up on people...

Qan-af-arael: Yes, but he is even better. Your destiny awaits you in
Yesulam.

Kashin: Then maybe I could hang outside of Metamor. The killer seems very
interested in that place. I'm sure you could find plenty of people to kill
the exorcist, people will be suspicious if a disgraced Yeshuel is there,
let me handle the killer instead.

Qan-af-arael: ... Okay, listen. You'll go to Yesulam, because the Felikaush
orders you to go.

Kashin: ... shit. I guess I'm going to Yesulam, then.

----

Garigan: So what does "Felikaush" mean, anyway? You've never explained it.

Jerome: It's a fancy word for "know-it-all fortune-telling asshole".

Charles: Actually, it's a fancy word for "tells people what to do", and
nobody tells me what to do.

Zagrosek: I'm rather skeptical of the whole "people being told to do
things, and are unable to resist" thing.

Charles: Just to prove you wrong, and solve this little hunch I have, let's
all go see Zhypar the Felikaush. We'll just take a stroll through the
hallways, I'm sure there's nothing here to distract us from OH GOD WESSEX
IS A ZOMBIE

Wessex: Rruuunes...

Shrieker: RRAARRGH!

Garigan: (secret Sondecki slap)

Charles: Phew, that was scary. A shrieker is a creature of Marzac. That
means Yonson must be involved! Let's go tell someone, I'm sure there's
nothing else going on to distract OH GOD NASOJ IS ATTACKING


=== THE WINTER ASSAULT ===

Storyteller: Gather round, children, and I will tell you what monstrosities
the Lutins did ten years ago. Kind of an odd choice to tell children,
seeing as just two years ago I helped establish peaceful relations between
Metamor and the Lutins, but I guess I forgot about that in this future.

----

Kundar: My four mages and I have a plan to find and kill the heroes of
Metamor. That plan is to wander around and do nothing until we become
irrelevant.

Thorne: My plan is to kill Murikeer, who has a talisman that prevents my
magic from hurting him. I won't ask anyone to help me, either, if for some
reason my magic doesn't hurt him.

----

Shamgar: Throwing children is fun!

Misha: Throwing parties is fun! Throwing hedgehog people is fun!

Jacob: Throwing up is not fun.

----

Kershaw: I am actually a nobleman's son, though I don't talk about it much.
I am dating one of the richest bachelorettes in Metamor. I'm sure both of
these plot points will be relevant later.

Rickkter: I suspect my girlfriend is having an affair with Murikeer. I am
sure this plot point will be relevant later.

----

Misha: Lutins are invading! I'd better disappear for a few chapters, for
unexplained reasons.

----

Jono: The Keep is under attack, and everyone is moving into fortified
positions! Clearly, our best option is to get away from them, and into the
countryside to an isolated outpost.

----

Vinsah: Killer ghosts! They would make a formidable enemy, if all of them
weren't attacking a trained exorcist.

Crowd in cathedral: Hooray! Some random guy we've never seen is claiming to
be an old guy we barely remember!

Hough: Good thing those are military-grade stained-glass windows, this
church is practically a fortress now. Also, I now have divine healing
powers.

----

Charles: I better show Misha I care about the Long Scouts, and help them
defend the Keep.

Garigan: No, I wanna go home.

Charles: Ooh, that sounds like more fun. Screw the Long Scouts, let's go to
Glen Avery!

Jerome: In a blizzard?

Charles: Don't worry, we'll just use a random tunnel. The Keep is
convenient like that.

Zagrosek: Shouldn't we board up the hidden passage into the Sondeckis
Shrine that opens into the Long House?

Charles: Didn't I just say not to worry? The Keep is convenient like that.

----

Thomas: This banquet hall is well-fortified. We'd better evacuate and split
up. Armies are too conspicuous, I'll just take a small handful of guards
with me.

Bryonoth: I'm interrupting this story to bring you some ponyplay.

----

Malisa: My father is in danger! I must raise my sword and fight for his
rescue!

Storyteller: Wait, Malisa? You're not in this part yet. I'll tell you when
we get to you.

----

Lutins: We're starving. If only we had supply caravans around to feed us.

----

Oren: We need to take back the lighthouse and bring hope back to the Keep.
What's the best way to kill Lutins?

Jesse: A huge explosion?

Oren: Don't be silly, we're comic relief characters, not murderers. No, the
best way is to drop a bunch of swords on them from above.

----

Rickkter: The situation is grim. The Keep is completely surrounded by
Lutins and a harsh blizzard, and there's no escape.

Bryonoth: (finds a door in the north wall and easily escapes)

Rickkter: This snow is falling too fast! It's impossible to follow anyone's
trail!

Egland: (easily follows Bryonoth's trail)

Bryonoth: He's my horsie! Mine!

Egland: Albert, when I'm feeling overly possessive, I like to sing a song
that goes like this.

Bryonoth: (faints)

Thomas: As a reward for saving me, Egland, please accept this new boyfr-- I
mean, squire.

----

Rickkter: We have to be careful about how we re-enter the Keep. We can't
just kill people at random with magic.

Murikeer: (randomly kills people with magic)

Rickkter: If we use any magic, they will instantly see us with their magic
sight.

Murikeer: (uses illusion magic to avoid being seen)

Rickkter: And if we interrupt any of their magic ceremonies, it could have
disastrous effects.

Murikeer: (interrupts magic ceremonies and is totally fine)

Jacob: I suggest we find a random tunnel, because the Keep is convenient
like that.

Murikeer: (runs through towers into underground tunnels, because the Keep
is convenient like that)

----

(strangers knock on Temple doors)

Raven: Fear not, I have been careful to avoid a panic by having only guards
on the top floor, and we also have Kyia to ensure no Lutins get in.

Acolytes: Thank you, Raven. We are glad to have placed our trust in you.

(more strangers knock on Temple doors)

Acolytes and huge crowd of people: SUDDENLY WE ARE ALL ON THE TOP FLOOR AND
PANICKING! GRAB WEAPONS, SHIELDS, ANYTHING! THE LUTINS ARE GOING TO KILL US
ALL!

Misha: Fear not, it is only I, Misha Brightleaf, come to save you from the
Lutin menace.

Everyone in temple: OH MY GODS, WE LOVE YOU MISHA, YOU LUTIN-KILLING MANIAC!

----

Kayla: I have a strategy for defeating the invaders, handed down to me by
my grandfather, a military genius. It's called "do whatever the Long Scouts
are doing".

Girl: Let me join your patrol!

Misha: Not you. You are too young and rapeable to join.

Malisa: As a former soldier, and heir to the kingdom, I will join the
patrol and fight for my father, the Duke!

Jack deMule: And as Keep castellan, I will join too, as no one knows these
halls better than me!

Storyteller: Wait, what? Jack, your part is done with, and Malisa, I'll
tell you when you can enter the story!

Raven: I have this key that hasn't been used in a couple hundred stories.
It has the power to make the Keep extra convenient.

Misha: Let's kill the invaders who've taken the Keep armory, so we can get
you some weapons!

Daria: Couldn't we get weapons from the Long House armory instead?

Misha: Less talking, more fighting.

----

Jono: Let me tell you a story about a bunch of people who were horribly
killed, but dress it up instead as a big meanie who got his just deserts. I
feel like, somewhere, there's a storyteller projecting his uncertainty
about telling the Winter Assault to a bunch of children onto me.

Kids: (are stabbed)

Daemion: Suddenly I have superpowers.

----

Thryza: Me and my five mages have a plan to drain the Keep's magic, but we
have to do it very slowly and over several days, and without help from
other mages.

Eule: Me and my three mages have no plans to do anything, except mumble
ominously in the snow.

----

Charles: How come we've been traveling north, but we're facing south? Also,
why can't we see a massive blizzard to the south?

Jerome: To your first question, I guess the Keep likes messing with us. To
your second, I guess the sun likes messing with us.

Zagrosek: Let's kill enemies by spinning our staffs really fast. It's
impractical, but it'll look really cool.

Angus: Our plan is simple: to stop those supply wagons that are suddenly
feeding Nasoj's troops at the Keep.

----

Ferwig: Oh, hey George! I remember fighting by your side for many years,
and touched that Metamor has hired you. Odd that I didn't remember that
several hours ago, when I attacked you.

----

Jacob: Wow, an underground ghost bridge, and a dead man with a satchel of
soul gems. I'm sure both of these plot points will be relevant later!

----

Morel: Time to raid the barracks. We'll be fine, the Keep is convenient
like that.

Daria: Oh no! Suddenly the Keep is no longer convenient like that!

Morel: (is squished)

Daria: We have to find the mages who are making the Keep inconvenient for
us! Then we can finally give this story some dramatic tension!

----

Charles: Garigan's ability to do the secret Sondeckis slap is a sign that
he is one of the strongest Sondeckis in the world! I'm sure this plot point
will be relevant later. Much, much later.

Berchem: Huh, my ex-girlfriend is flirting with that new guy within seconds
of meeting him, while we're all fighting a dangerous mission to save our
only home. As their commanding officer, I for some reason will not react to
this.

Baerle: Charles, let's cuddle together under this blanket and kiss and
watch the sunrise and talk about starting a life together at Glen Avery.

Charles: I wonder what she could mean. Women are so inscrutable.

----

Murikeer: I'm alive! But I thought the stables burned down several chapters
ago.

Bruug: Metamor have like twenty stables people forget. Sometimes even Bruug
forget he exist.

----

Kid 1: Storyteller! We have so many questions about this story!

Kid 2: Yeah! Like why does this story have so many narrators, and why are
the good guys and bad guys so disorganized, and why are there so many
subplots that don't matter?

Kid 1: Actually, I meant, where were my parents at this point?

Kid 2: Ah, right. Because none of us here care about that kid who got
superpowers.

----

Merai: We've killed most of the mages! Now the Keep is convenient again!

Thomas: Thanks so much for inviting me to the war meeting. As Duke of
Metamor, it feels nice to be included.

Misha: The plan is simple. Most of the army is sitting in this barracks. We
go in, we smash them.

Daria: How come this barracks has a 50-foot ceiling with enough room for a
small fortress in the center? Why is the army just sitting there?

Misha: Less thinking, more EPIC BATTLE SEQUENCE!

Padraic: Suddenly, I exist.

----

Avery: We've captured Calephas! Now tell us, Calephas, what can you tell us
about Nasoj's troops?

Calephas: I rape little boys.

Avery: Confound his manipulative mind games! I'm going to stew for several
hours, and then suddenly want to make love to my wife.

----

Finbar: To kill those Lutins, I'm going to use this child's toy crossbow,
with darts laced with this instantaneous death poison, made by the Keep
alchemist and impossible to find anywhere else in the world!

Angus: To kill these Lutins, we're going to lace our arrows with this
instantaneous death poison, that we got from a random snake morph in a
nearby village.

----

Wanderer: Suddenly I can think again.

----

Baerle: Now that I've mopped the stew off you, Charles, let me get another
bowl of stew for us to eat together.

Zagrosek: Dude, Charles, aren't you engaged to Kimberly? Why are you
leading her on like this?

Charles: I have no idea what you're talking about! Hey, remember that one
woman who didn't understand romance? Women are so clueless sometimes!

----

Calephas: I rape boys, I rape boys, I rape boys, I rape boys.

Wolf guard: Somebody please kill me.

Calephas: Gladly.

----

Storyteller: ... and so, in revenge for Selig raping Finbar's mother,
Finbar stabbed him in his balls, and then stabbed him in the face, with a
sickening crunch.

Girl: You were Selig the whole time? How did Finbar kill you?

Storyteller: Huh? Was I rambling again?

Girl: No, I just zoned out for the last half hour.

Storyteller: Ah... in hindsight, good thing you weren't listening, that
wasn't too kid-friendly. So anyways, Misha enters the hospital, where
hundreds of patients and children were groaning and reaching futilely for
their missing, bloodied limbs.

----

Rickkter: I don't want anything right now, except to be with my love Kayla.

Charles: It's a good thing Nasoj's supply caravans had snow plows, or we
might have had trouble driving a wagon through the aftereffects of a
blizzard in a single day. Also, for some reason, I'm bringing Baerle along,
and I've completely forgotten about Garigan. Gosh, I can't wait to meet my
fiancee.

Baerle: (slaps and runs away)

Charles: Huh, now the wagon is gone.

Rickkter: Suddenly I want to make fun of Charles. Not for his cowardice or
abandonment of the Keep, I'm just going to point and laugh.

Charles: Oh, yeah. (tosses staff) Plot resolved, I guess.

----

Charles: I've returned, Kimberly. I'd love to hear what you have to say
after I left you five days ago to siege and stress with barely a
justification for my absence, but it's time for the epilogue, maybe next
time!

----

Thomas: ... and that government of the duke, by the duke, and for the duke,
shall not perish from the earth.

Merai: Isn't it a little early to be building a war memorial? Parts of town
are still on fire.

Malisa: Oh, hey, I'm finally in the story! I guess I spent the entire
Assault sitting in this chair.

----

Storyteller: Wow, did I really just tell a 350,000 word story in under 6
hours? I must've been pushing 15 words a second! No wonder everyone fell
asleep.
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://lists.integral.org/archives/mkguild/attachments/20210605/bc80e95e/attachment-0001.html>