<font size="2"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";" lang="EN-CA">A good opening story with an interesting plot. Just a few bits of advice here, mostly grammar. Best of luck and welcome aboard.<br>John Burman aka Fox Marine<br>____________________<br><br><br>I looked up over the rise at the caravan that was making its way around the treacherous road to castle that stood in the middle of the valley far off in the distance.<br><br>>>to the castle<br><br></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";" lang="EN-CA">They had said all sorts of weird things only half of which I believed given that I had seen a lot of things in the past thirty years and I wasn’t about to believe a bunch of drunks at a local tavern because I had long since learned that many nightmarish creatures that people told tales of were born in the bottom of an ale tankard or a wine
bottle.<br><br>>>major run on sentence here, need some commas or cut it into several sentences.<br><br> </span></font> <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">I had been wandering the <st1:place w:st="on">Midlands</st1:place> for the past twenty five years as a mercenary since I had arrived on the continent from my homeland after my clan had been exterminated by a rival clan.</span></font></div><font size="2">>>Again break it up a little, also try to fins a synonym for clan, it doesn't sound good with two that close together<br></font><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">It has been my doom as the last member of my clan to wander the lands of the world for the rest of my long life forever exiled from my homelands where my people, the Kelmar, lived. <br></span></font></div><font size="2">>>Try a comma after life, also you use the word "my" quite a bit and it
sounds overly possessive<br></font><br><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">My skills as a warrior had grown much since I had left my homeland far away but it didn’t matter since I would never be able to go home again because as an outcast I would be killed by the first Kelmar Warrior that I met. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"><br>>>To many "because", break it up<br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">When I had left Kelmar I had been ranked as a Swordmaster of 3<sup>rd</sup> Grade and hence a match for just about everyone that I met that was normal. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"></span></font><br>>>Remember most "average" people have almost no skill with a sword, so try replacing normal with
"fair skill" or something similar.<br><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">However I knew that if I ever another Kelmar Warrior I would probably end up dead since any warrior that would come after me would probably be a Swordmaster in 1st Degree and hence a much better swordsman than I was. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>insert "met" after "ever", also have you considered "Swordmaster of the 1st Degree"?<br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"> If the Keep could be held against an enemy army they wouldn’t be able to advance any further into more civilized land where people weren’t as used to the dangers of an enemy. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">>>comma after "army",
land >lands<br><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">Although I will use the term civilized only lightly because they had some rather interesting beliefs here. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>not good to start a sentence with a conjunction <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"> Speaking of which I looked down at him, he wasn’t visible to those who weren’t Kelmar and looked at his mood. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>This sentence is a bit confusing, try to rephrase it so the it isn't two ideas in one.<br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">This was certainly a
candidate for that because there were rocks on one side of the road and a straight drop off on the other side. After another look at Oberon, my Soul Guide, I loosened my swords in their scabbards before I reached over the wagon that I was walking beside of and pulled my long bow from its place behind the driver’s seat. When I had first joined the caravan the master merchant who had hired me had asked</span></font></div> <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">“Why on this green earth do you have a full chest of things to bring with you?” I had looked at him for a second before I had replied</span></font></div> <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">“I have a full chest master merchant because it contains all of my weapons and clothing that I am not wearing.” What I hadn’t mentioned was the fact that there was a false bottom about four fifths of the way into the chest that concealed
a compartment where I kept my pay, since I made more money than I could normally spend. Now he looked over at me before he asked me</span></font></div> <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">“What’s the problem Adòn you seem a little nervous.”</span></font></div> <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">“Master merchant it has nothing to do with being nervous and everything to do with being cautious. This is an excellent place for an ambush and I would hate to have made you feel good just by not being prepared for the eventuality that we do get ambushed.” He looked up at the rocks in apprehension before he fumbled for the short sword that he wore at his side. This man was definitely not from any place where war was a common. As he fumbled about with his weapon I kept my eyes on the rocks above the road. Although I did spare more than a moment to ask Oberon what he thought of
road.</span></font></div> <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"> I ducked behind the wagon the instant I heard the arrows but none-the-less I still received a three arrow hits, none of which was major. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>Drop "a" from three arrow hits, was > were<br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">The first hit my left shoulder pauldron the second embedded itself in my right chest plate, and the third actually managed hit flesh, on my right arm though it wasn’t all that much of a hit. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>Comma after pauldron, insert "to" after managed<br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span
lang="EN-CA"> I had managed to kill a fair of these bandits when they came streaming running down the hill to meet the caravan guards and merchants who were defending their livelihoods. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>insert number after fair, these > the, try more instead of they<br></span></font></div><br><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"> They rushed me in en masse in a clear attempt to get in too close for me to do any damage but that was a flawed tactic when coming up against a Warrior. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>cut the word in before en masse, that > it<br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">I used my swords in concert with each other to create a whirling,
singing net steel that sprayed out bright red blood almost constantly. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>of after net<br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"> I managed to parry his blow with my short sword but it rattled my arm to shoulder. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>insert the before shoulder<br></span></font></div><br><div class="MsoNormal"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style=""> </span>“I don’t really know Jasmine this could be difficult. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>Comma after Jasmine<br></span></font></div><br><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span
lang="EN-CA">“Do you know anything about the keep at all Mr?”</span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">>>Try sir instead of Mr<br><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"></span></font></div><br><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">The racoon nodded slowly and then pattered off into one corner of the infirmary before he returned with my hand and a half sword lying across his hands. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>racoon > raccoon<br></span></font></div><br><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA"> The racoon nodded slightly before he handed me a robe before telling me that as soon as I got my own clothes on I could return his robe. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span
lang="EN-CA">>>raccoon<br></span></font></div><br><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">“I am not most people I am a Kelmar Warrior and I have only just reached the prime of my life. <br></span></font></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><font size="2"><span lang="EN-CA">>>Comma after people<br></span></font></div><font size="2"><br><br><b><i>Mark Ewing <mk.ewing2553@gmail.com></i></b> wrote:</font><blockquote class="replbq" style="border-left: 2px solid rgb(16, 16, 255); margin-left: 5px; padding-left: 5px;"><font size="2"> I hope that this is a reasonable story considering its the first one that I am submitting for this list. Also can someone tell me how to get onto the IRC channel, that would be much appreciated. I hope that you all enjoy Enter The Tiger <br><br>Oberon Snowcat</font><br> _______________________________________________<br>MKGuild mailing
list<br>MKGuild@lists.integral.org<br>http://lists.integral.org/listinfo/mkguild<br></blockquote><br><p> 
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