[Mkguild] Enter The Tiger. Oberon

[John Burman]

A good opening story with an interesting plot.  Just a few bits of advice here, mostly grammar.  Best of luck and welcome aboard.
John Burman aka Fox Marine
____________________


I looked up over the rise at the caravan that was making its way around the treacherous road to castle that stood in the middle of the valley far off in the distance.

>>to the castle

They had said all sorts of weird things only half of which I believed given that I had seen a lot of things in the past thirty years and I wasn’t about to believe a bunch of drunks at a local tavern because I had long since learned that many nightmarish creatures that people told tales of were born in the bottom of an ale tankard or a wine bottle.

>>major run on sentence here, need some commas or cut it into several sentences.

   I had been wandering the Midlands for the past twenty five years as a mercenary since I had arrived on the continent from my homeland after my clan had been exterminated by a rival clan.
>>Again break it up a little, also try to fins a synonym for clan, it doesn't sound good with two that close together
It has been my doom as the last member of my clan to wander the lands of the world for the rest of my long life forever exiled from my homelands where my people, the Kelmar, lived. 

>>Try a comma after life, also you use the word "my" quite a bit and it sounds overly possessive

My skills as a warrior had grown much since I had left my homeland far away but it didn’t matter since I would never be able to go home again because as an outcast I would be killed by the first Kelmar Warrior that I met. 


>>To many "because", break it up

When I had left Kelmar I had been ranked as a Swordmaster of 3rd Grade and hence a match for just about everyone that I met that was normal. 


>>Remember most "average" people have almost no skill with a sword, so try replacing normal with "fair skill" or something similar.

However I knew that if I ever another Kelmar Warrior I would probably end up dead since any warrior that would come after me would probably be a Swordmaster in 1st Degree and hence a much better swordsman than I was. 

>>insert "met" after "ever", also have you considered "Swordmaster of the 1st Degree"?

 If the Keep could be held against an enemy army they wouldn’t be able to advance any further into more civilized land where people weren’t as used to the dangers of an enemy. 

>>comma after "army", land >lands

Although I will use the term civilized only lightly because they had some rather interesting beliefs here. 

>>not good to start a sentence with a conjunction 

 Speaking of which I looked down at him, he wasn’t visible to those who weren’t Kelmar and looked at his mood. 

>>This sentence is a bit confusing, try to rephrase it so the it isn't two ideas in one.

This was certainly a candidate for that because there were rocks on one side of the road and a straight drop off on the other side. After another look at Oberon, my Soul Guide, I loosened my swords in their scabbards before I reached over the wagon that I was walking beside of and pulled my long bow from its place behind the driver’s seat. When I had first joined the caravan the master merchant who had hired me had asked
  “Why on this green earth do you have a full chest of things to bring with you?” I had looked at him for a second before I had replied
  “I have a full chest master merchant because it contains all of my weapons and clothing that I am not wearing.” What I hadn’t mentioned was the fact that there was a false bottom about four fifths of the way into the chest that concealed a compartment where I kept my pay, since I made more money than I could normally spend. Now he looked over at me before he asked me
  “What’s the problem Adòn you seem a little nervous.”
  “Master merchant it has nothing to do with being nervous and everything to do with being cautious. This is an excellent place for an ambush and I would hate to have made you feel good just by not being prepared for the eventuality that we do get ambushed.” He looked up at the rocks in apprehension before he fumbled for the short sword that he wore at his side. This man was definitely not from any place where war was a common. As he fumbled about with his weapon I kept my eyes on the rocks above the road. Although I did spare more than a moment to ask Oberon what he thought of road.
   I ducked behind the wagon the instant I heard the arrows but none-the-less I still received a three arrow hits, none of which was major. 

>>Drop "a" from three arrow hits, was > were

The first hit my left shoulder pauldron the second embedded itself in my right chest plate, and the third actually managed hit flesh, on my right arm though it wasn’t all that much of a hit. 

>>Comma after pauldron, insert "to" after managed

 I had managed to kill a fair of these bandits when they came streaming running down the hill to meet the caravan guards and merchants who were defending their livelihoods. 

>>insert number after fair, these > the, try more instead of they


 They rushed me in en masse in a clear attempt to get in too close for me to do any damage but that was a flawed tactic when coming up against a Warrior. 

>>cut the word in before en masse, that > it

I used my swords in concert with each other to create a whirling, singing net steel that sprayed out bright red blood almost constantly. 

>>of after net

 I managed to parry his blow with my short sword but it rattled my arm to shoulder. 

>>insert the before shoulder


            “I don’t really know Jasmine this could be difficult. 

>>Comma after Jasmine


“Do you know anything about the keep at all Mr?”
>>Try sir instead of Mr


The racoon nodded slowly and then pattered off into one corner of the infirmary before he returned with my hand and a half sword lying across his hands. 

>>racoon > raccoon


 The racoon nodded slightly before he handed me a robe before telling me that as soon as I got my own clothes on I could return his robe. 

>>raccoon


“I am not most people I am a Kelmar Warrior and I have only just reached the prime of my life. 

>>Comma after people



Mark Ewing <mk.ewing2553 at gmail.com> wrote: I hope that this is a reasonable story considering its the first one that I am submitting for this list. Also can someone tell me how to get onto the IRC channel, that would be much appreciated. I hope that you all enjoy Enter The Tiger 

Oberon Snowcat
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