[Mkguild] Lil' dream sequence + writer's block (Yargh!)

[C. Matthias]

Hey Virmir!

I'm going to do you an extra favour and do a little critiquing!  Keep 
in mind that this is meant entirely to help.  I want to state first 
and foremost that I enjoyed this snippet, it made me smile brightly, 
and I heartily approve of the theme that filled this dream.  Also, I 
saw nothing wrong with it, and your worry at the end was 
unfounded.  I will explain why when I get to the end.  For now, on 
with the suggestion!


>I had the oddest of dreams last night.
>
>I wasn't sure where I was, as my surroundings were dark and blurry.

Try rewriting this in active voice.  Right now, both phrases in this 
sentence are in passive voice.  Here's one way you could do it:

"Darkness surrounded me, and all was indistinct."

Not only is this more of an active sentences, but it cuts down your word count.

>The figure before me was crystal clear, though.

Again, try putting this in active voice:

"Except for the figure standing before me; he was crystal clear."

This also avoids the useless word 'though' which more often than not 
adds nothing to a sentence.

>   It was me, as I
>appear here now in Metamor.  Both a gray furred fox and a child.  He
>wasn't me though, not as I am now at least, for he was also a child in
>mind.

Here we can drop 'though' if we start the sentence with 'But he 
wasn't me, now as I am now...'

The opening paragraph is very important, and I want you to nail 
that.  I will skim through the rest and only point out things that 
jump out at me.

>His voice echoed as he spoke.  I remember that sword.  I played with
>it quite a bit when I was a young.  Alone in the woods, I beat back
>imaginary hordes of goblins, imps, and the like.  I never really had
>anyone to play with.

I like this paragraph.  It sums up his youthful play very well.

>In contrast to the child that resembled me, I was my normal human
>self, how I was before the curses of Metamor and my own bumblings with
>transformational spells.  Though I had no interest in playing with
>children, I found that I had my own toy sword in my right hand.

Replace 'my own' with 'a'.  The sentence works just as well, and is 
easier to follow.

>Now he had a stick in his mouth.  (Perhaps the wooded sword had
>transformed into the stick.)

You need a ? there.

>I was not alone for long, for my replacement playmate was none other
>than my grandfather.  I chased after him in childish glee.  He was
>impossible to catch.  He seemed to fly backwards, his feet hovering
>above the ground, his blinding white robes with their crimson flared
>trimming flapping in the wind.  Then he waved his hand and I fell
>forward, running on all fours.  I was entirely a fox once more, just
>as he had done to me when we met so many years ago.

Drop the 'once more' in the last sentence.

>Then it was my turn to fetch, and I did so with utmost enthusiasm.
>Chasing the stick as it flew though the air was simply the most
>exciting and satisfying thing in the world.  And once I had taken the
>precious wood in my teeth, I returned it as quickly as possible so
>that I might experience it one more time.

You can drop 'simply'  in the second sentence.  It adds nothing, and 
in fact, in some ways detracts from the sentiment.

>The dream was too broken up beyond that point.

'broken up' could be replaced by a better word.  'Disjointed' perhaps?

>   There was no startled
>wake up in the middle of the night.

'startled wake up in the middle of the night' => 
'startled-wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night'.  You are using it as a 
single idea, so the words should all be hyphenated.

>   I didn't even remember it until a
>few hours after breaking fast actually.

Drop 'actually', as it adds nothing to the sentence.

>  I never put too much thought
>into dreams, as they are generally a tangled mess of random
>subconscious thoughts and other nonsense.  Degrading as it is though,
>I do find my mood brightened just by thinking about it.

You slipped into present tense in this last sentence.

>   I thought I
>would write it down so that I might remember it years from now.

And now into some pluperfect tense here I think. I could have that 
wrong.  Put both this and the previous sentence into the same tense.

>----
>
>Did you catch it?
>
>If you thought "Hey, that's kinda like how Hough and Madog play
>fetch," then I think I should change it.  I don't really want to draw
>that parallel.  If not, then maybe I'm okay. I've been reading a lot
>of Mr. Matthias' work lately (still pressing through the archives!),
>and my subconscious must have written that in there, hehe. Though I
>wanted to nod to previous works in my first story, it's time to move
>away from that. Opinions?

I honestly did not think about Hough and Madog in this 
scene.  Why?  Because in those scenes, the delineation between child 
and dog is clear.  Here, you blur that distinction.  You have the POV 
move into the dog role.  I never did that with Hough and 
Madog.  Hough was always the child, Madog was always the dog.

And in that way, you create an even more compelling dynamic, because 
Virmir has two influences to deal with, that of the child and that of 
the canine (vulpine in his case).

So I like this, and think you should keep at it!! :-)

May He bless you and keep you in His grace and love,

Charles Matthias