[Mkguild] MK Story Winter Horizons part 3

[Chris]

Thanks! I am glad you enjoyed the story! I'll make the changes you
recommend and send a copy of the story to you to look over!


Chris
The Lurking Fox


-----Original Message-----
From: mkguild-bounces at lists.integral.org
[mailto:mkguild-bounces at lists.integral.org] On Behalf Of C. Matthias
Sent: Monday, September 01, 2008 3:59 PM
To: Chris; mkguild at lists.integral.org
Cc: tsa-talk at lists.integral.org
Subject: Re: [Mkguild] MK Story Winter Horizons part 3

To the two Chris's. I really enjoyed this tale.  It is one I have 
known was in the works for a long time now, and it is a delight to 
finally see it in the light of day.

That said, I think that in the final scene there are a couple of 
statements that might be construed as potential errors of 
continuity.  Since this story is set in November 706 CR, it will be 
before Charles and Kimberly are wed.  Let me highlight the problem
sentences.

>***************************************
>
>
>    From that point onwards, the evening seemed to acquire a much 
> more jovial atmosphere. While the men tended to stick to the games 
> and own conversation, the women split off into their own group. 
> Their discussion naturally leaned towards babies, with Kimberley 
> slowly dominating the conversation.

Why would Kimberly dominate the conversation?  She has yet to have 
any children at this point.

>   Rickkter and Kayla split off from the rest of the group, Misha, 
> Caroline, Charles, and Kimberly all heading towards The Long House. 
> Once the raccoon and skunk had made it inside they took a few 
> moments to pause for breath and savour the sensation of warmth and 
> a lack of cold wind whipping ice and snow over their muzzles.

At this point, Charles and Kimberly do not yet live in Long 
House.  Charles is living in his old quarters with Garigan (although 
there is a passage to the Long House there that only he, Garigan, and 
Misha know about), and Kimberly has her own quarters.  While their 
exact destination is not that important given that Rickkter and Kayla 
are the focus of the scene, the wording carries a flase 
implication.  It might be better to say that each pair headed their 
own way once inside the Keep.

Other than these two moments, this was an excellent and delightful 
story!  I loved the description of the food, and also the game fox 
and geese (go geese!).  And the scene with Rickkter and Kayla playing 
in the snow was classic!  Ah, the simple joy of a crisp winter day 
and the warmth of friendly companionship!  What a darling story you two!

May He bless you and keep you in His grace and love,

Charles Matthias


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