[Mkguild] Birth I

[Alex Green]

Hmm, let's try something different.

On Sun, Nov 30, 2014 at 10:38 AM, Jack Moore <jackthefrilledlizard at yahoo.com
> wrote:

> Birth
>
> To My Friend in the North
>

North of what? The keep? There's not much north of that.


> [...]
>
> All of my thoughts will appear in italics, as by the request of your last
> letter. And
> yes I will give my reflections on the events from how I see them now. I
> was planning on
> doing so anyway.
>

I'm curious how someone would write in italics. Also, italics weren't
invented until after the movable type printing press. Does the printing
press exist in Metamor? I can't remember, but I don't think so.


>
> Some set up is required. There's not much to say about what brought me to
> that
> valley, beyond my Father was meeting with someone. When your father is a
> perpetual
> opportunist and probably short sighted, you regularly end up dragged
> across the land.
>

You mean children don't like to be dragged along on cross-country business
trips thinly disguised as family vacations? That's news to my parents.


> [...]
>
> In Isenport if you go down to the docks you will smell the tide as it
> rolls in and
> see the ships as they unload their wears and sailors.
>

Need a comma after Isenport and docks (Ugh, I'm still stuck in editing mode)


> [...]
> Stories of this place you also will not be hearing. Instead I ask you turn
> your mind to the Midlands, near the Great Barrier Range and a small train
> of people traveling towards Metamor Keep.
>

"Good! The setting is called 'Metamor Keep' after all," I say as I struggle
to figure out how to write my character into the keep without two novels
worth of back-story.


> [...]
>
> "You must command respect to be a modern man." My father said.
>

Yes, a modern man, a modern man of the 8th century. Also: comma, quotation
mark, space, lower case m.


>
> "What we are doing is securing my legacy, you will be that legacy."
>

In other words: "Don't embarrass me."


> [...]
>
> My father was Lord Leontes of Isenport, servant of the Sathmore Empire. We
> didn't actually have to say we are servants of the Empire, my father
> believed it to be a
> good idea. When you aren't loyal, constantly tell people you are.
>

That'll fool 'em


>
> If there was only one thing in life my father could have, it was to be a
> modern
> man. Okay no, if he could have one thing it would be the title of Emperor,
> but second to
> that it was to be a modern man.
>
> A modern man placed more emphasis on personal goals instead of loyalty to
> your
> Emperor. A modern man had secret meetings with people from other
> countries. Modern
> men dragged their sons across the continent without telling them who they
> were meeting.
>

Modern men are currently annoyed by the dubstep pop remixes currently
blaring outside. I mean this rave thing I chose not to go to is on the
other side of campus; how can it still be so loud?


> [...]
>
> "I guess it's good to be out of Isenport." I mumbled. No it wasn't good,
> it was
> wonderful. Or it would have been, had my father not been there as well.
>

That's how I used to feel about my family too. And again: comma, quotation
mark, space, attribution.


>
> "James what do you think of the changing landscape?" My grip on
> Holofernes'
> reigns tightened.
>

reins. I don't think Holofernes possesses multiple periods of sovereigns'
rule. Also, I prefer " 's" as it's less ambiguous as to whether there are
multiple Holofernes, but it isn't wrong; just be consistent. Third, I like
to separate one person's speech and another's action across paragraphs. I
don't know if that's a rule, but I think it makes it less ambiguous as to
who is doing the speaking. I'd join the action to the following paragraph.


>
> "What do you mean?"
>
> "I mean…James tell me what you think of where we are going, what do you
> know
> of it?"
>
> "It's cursed." I said.
>

"It's cursed," I said. Commas before attributions, and that's the last time
I'm going to say it. .


> [...]
>
> Evening fell and we camped in a clearing in the shadow of the Great
> Barrier
> Range. Then again, as large as those mountains are many things are in
> their shadow.
> Living in a coastal city, I rarely saw the mountains so anytime I got the
> chance I
> appreciated it.
>
> However I was having trouble appreciating them right now. It's hard to do
> so
> when someone is pointing a blade at your face.
>

I imagine that would make it difficult.


>
> "And now you're dead." Nemo said. The silver blade of Qual gleamed against
> its
> ebony handle.
>

Aw, too bad, the whiny narrator died. I guess that means the story is over.


> [...]
>
> "What's the point of learning if you just kill me?" I asked.
>
> "You might learn not to die."
>

That is a pretty important lesson.


> [...]
>
> I've never been good with swords. Or axes. Or arrows. Or really any
> weapon,
> they tend to fly out of my hands.
>

Duct tape would fix that. It just needs to be invented first.


> [...]
>
> "Why? What's the worst thing that could happen?"
>
> "You'd be killed. That's bad." Nemo said.
>

More important life lessons from Nemo. Pay attention narrator.


>
> I rolled my eyes.
>

Or not.


>
> [...] Nemo demanded though that if he worked for us, he be allowed
> to speak his mind without fear. My father agreed.
>
> That was a bad idea.
>

But then how would he teach such important life lessons.


> [...]
>
> "As you grow older you find plenty of things to keep you occupied." Nemo
> said.
>

Ain't that the truth


>
> "Come on, let's acquire sustenance."
>

Not a bad idea. I'm starving.
__________________________________________________

WARNING: The preceding email contained scenes of extreme sarcasm and should
not have been read by individuals of a sensitive disposition.

-AlexSurikat
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