[Mkguild] Trust I

[C. Matthias]

At 08:57 PM 7/14/2015, Jack Moore wrote:

>Trust
>
>To My Friend in the North
>
>Yes I know the last letter didn't make me sound good but it wasn't 
>supposed to. It's something I suspect Eli and I will discuss when I 
>meet Him. The crushing of the Host is something I still regret, but 
>there is no way for me to undo it. It was how I acted and I can't undo it.
>
>And it is a sign of Eli's eternal mercy that the first time I steped 
>in to the Keep chapel that Yahshua didn't come off the cross and 
>beat me. I deserved it. And Nemo had every right to be mad at me.
>
>Patric especially, though. I wanted to apologize to him almost right 
>away but it was two weeks before I saw him again. In that time I 
>managed to annoy two people. The first was Sir Egland, the 
>second...a very well known vulpine.
>
>I want to discuss neither of these incidents but I have to. I might 
>as well start with the first, the time I met Sir Egland. He talked 
>to me, challenged me and then I vomited on him.

This introduction made me laugh a good bit.  Ack, lizard vomit 
awaits!  How can I resist!  LOL!


>March 28th, 707
>
>The sun slipped into my room from a small window above my bed. I 
>couldn't remember if the window had been there yesterday, but it was 
>now. It gave me some badly needed light but it also brought in the cold air.
>
>My tail ached badly even though I was no longer sitting on it. The 
>tip dragged the ground, so I had to either walk with it up or endure.

You're missing a word here: "dragged along the ground" or "dragged 
across the ground"

>"Yeah wait and see." I tied my other foot up. "Perfect!" My feet 
>were wrapped in linens, held in place by crisscrossing leather 
>straps. They had grown to twice their previous length. Tying them up 
>caused my new claws to rub against my toes.
>
>"What do you think?" I asked my rodent friend. He took one look and 
>curled into a ball. I rolled my eyes. "Be completely honest, don't 
>hold anything back." I wrapped my skirt around me, trying still to 
>hide my tail. This despite its increased length. I might as well 
>have been trying to hide it with air.

And here I thought it was a sarong and not a skirt.  The cracks in 
his invented reality continue to spread!

>"This still doesn't feel real..." I had purchased a scarf yesterday, 
>during a very brief excursion to the Market Square.  I felt calmer 
>wrapping this aba around my neck since it hid the spines. Now only 
>my head was uncovered.

"aba" => "about"

>"My hairline is receding." I felt along the top of my skull. Yep, it 
>was vanishing and fast. My eyebrows had already disappeared. This 
>curse had taken my home, my way of life, my title and now my hair.
>
>Truly its evil knew no bounds.

Not content with merely everything you knew before, but it also had 
to go for the hair.  The dastardly horror!   Most of us have to wait 
until we're forty for that to start happening. ;-)

>"Know what I want to do?" The rat cocked his little head. "I'd like 
>to go hawking today." I grinned. "There's nothing quite like a day 
>spent with your hawk. My current one is Ulysses.
>
>"He's this...red-tailed hawk I've had for almost two years. He 
>uh...he's great. Just watching him fly" I shook my head, "I could do 
>it all day. I swear."
>
>Hawking is the greatest of all the pastimes. Hunting with arrows is 
>a bloody, violent past time I despise. I've never liked killing, but 
>when hawking at least the hawk can get a meal out of this.
>
>When you're hawking you are free. In the field, the wind blowing 
>through your hair and the hawk screeching as it circles above you, 
>you are at peace. You can forget your father's obsessive grooming 
>you to take over for him, your place in an Empire you don't know.
>
>"I don't think Duke what's his name even knows how to go hawking." I 
>said. "Who is running this place?" I scratched my head. "Nemo said 
>he was a horse...nope don't remember.
>
>"How can Duke Clip-Clop be a ruler and not enjoy hawking? It's 
>insane." Not as insane as was calling him Duke Clip-Clop to his face.
>
>Which I did.
>
>But not for a few months.

First off, I love this depiction of hawking.  It shows him to be that 
spoiled Lord's brat and very human at the same time.  We see 
something he enjoys doing, something that makes him feel like 
himself.  This makes it all the more sad that he likely doesn't have 
his hawk anymore because this is exactly the sort of thing we'd like 
to see him get the chance to do!

And calling Thomas Duke Clip-Clop is actually really funny right now 
because Thomas is still under the halter's influence and in another 
month will nearly succumb.  If he'd done it now Thomas probably would 
have reacted with a bemused, faraway grin.  Not so much in a few months. ;-)

>"I need out of this room." I stretched and stood. "I need a whore 
>very badly. I need a whore, where is the brothel?" I yawned. "God 
>almighty. Think think, think...oh I know where it is!"
>
>Yesterday I had heard someone discussing a business somewhere in 
>Euper. From the name, I knew it had to be a brothel. "It's called 
>the Jolly Collie inn! How can it not be a brothel?"
>
>In my defense, that does sound like the name of a brothel.

ROTFLMTO!!!!

>"I'll find the brothel and then I'll...maybe I'll fuck a dog girl." 
>I shrugged. "Never done that before. What do you think?" My rat 
>sniffed curiously. I smiled and stroked his fur.

And that touching moment of humanity is flushed away.

>"Well you're becoming a lizard-
>
>"I am not!"

Slipping back from Anger to Denial I see.

>-And as a lizard you will not be able to handle cold temperatures. 
>So this" He gestured at the floor, "needs to change. I'd recommend 
>we go find something, carpeting, thrushes, sand or something else."

Thrushes or sand probably fits their budget better.  In this age 
carpeting would still be very expensive.

>"Actually no. I'm tired but not bad tired. I just feel peculiar." He 
>held up his hands. "My skin is less rugose. I wonder, perhaps a 
>result of this beneficent place?" I rolled my eyes.
>
>"Can't you just say stuff without me wondering what you're talking 
>about?" Nemo shrugged.

This is why some folks are having trouble knowing who is 
speaking.  You haven't noted who is speaking, but you mention the 
other person in the narrative description.  I recommend trying to 
make it more obvious who is speaking, by noting what they are doing 
while they are speaking.  Reactions are fine, but when the only 
person you mention when person A is speaking is person B then things 
get confusing.

I do observe that in other parts of this conversation you do have "I 
said" show up a few times and that's good.  No need to go overkill on 
it, just keep a wary eye on it.

>"And it just...it sucks! I can't fix it! I don't want to fucking be 
>here! I want to burn this place, this Keep and my fucking tail!"
>
>"I didn't know you had grown a tail." I cocked my head.
>
>"Excuse me?" Nemo smiled.
>
>"I'd like to see you wear fewer rags. I bet your tail looks 
>magnificent on you." It does look fantastic on me now. Then though 
>it was a fleshy nuisance wrapped in scales, a reminder of my beastly fate.
>
>"I thought I told you about this..." Nemo shook his head. "Well I 
>did, I've got a fucking tail and no you can't see it. You wanna see, 
>grow one of your own." Nemo sighed.

This section above here is probably the worst for what I meant.  In 
context I know who is who, but if you didn't, it'd be very easy to 
think the opposite person is speaking each line and then get confused by it.

>"I would be so lucky. I suspect I am not though James." He untied 
>our money bag, at his waste as always, and pulled out a few shiny 
>coins. Silver I believe maybe a few coppers. "James you need to 
>learn to prioritize and I need to know I can trust you. I want to 
>give you this money but I know what you will use it for."

"waste" => "waist"

>"I admire your bravado. One thing I'm going to purchase today is a 
>pot. We might need one."
>
>"Yeah yeah." I stood up. "Look thanks for the money, I won't 
>disappoint you. Promise."
>
>And I did intend to keep that promise. I really did. Just...things happened.

LOL!  What a great line to end things on here.  Ah, James, we go from 
feeling sorry for you and wanting to cheer you up to rolling our eyes 
and wanting to give you a good slap to wake you up.  Apart from the 
few things I noted I think this is going very well, Jack!

May He bless you and keep you in His grace and love,

Charles Matthias