[Mkguild] Life As We Know It XXXIII C

[Jack Moore]

AN: Had a sinus infection, which knocked me out. But I am back again

Life As We Know It - XXXIII C

“Can—“ She sighed.  “Can I talk to Janelle alone?”  I glanced up at Triche,
who nodded.  He signaled the others and they exited, grabbing Sebastian on
the way out.  “I hid my journal so well, I didn’t think anyone would find
it.”
“I wouldn’t have found it honestly.” I said.  “Remmie, my partner, got me
to sit down and rest.  Only when I did I noticed the scratches in the
floor.”
“That bed frame was so heavy even without the bedding.” Chamomile said.
 “The board under there was perfect though, I could hide everything and not
have to worry about it being found.”  Her shoulders slumped.  “Not that it
did me any good.”
“Is that why you changed rooms twice?” I asked.  “No place to hide your
supplies?”   Chamomile shook her head.
“That’s one reason, but not the main one.  No, I wanted to be able to look
out the window as I worked and see Metamor Keep.”  She smiled at me.
 “Janelle this city is wonderful and strange.  It is a place that changes
constantly, it pulses like a living creature!  And I-I-“ The words caught
in her throat, “And I wanted to destroy it.  Oh gods above, I did.”
“Metamor is an amazing city.” I said.  “I consider it an honor to protect
it.”  I didn’t say anything judging what Chamomile told me.  I didn’t need
to.  Chamomile’s head drooped now.  Her hair looked sallow, her skin
blotchy, her clothing a mess but I didn’t see that.  I saw her eyes.  Her
eyes were empty o the spark of joy we all have.  What I saw before me
sagging on that stool was a woman who was completely broken.
As it stood, if we didn’t execute her, she’d do the deed herself.  This is
what happens when we have no reason to live.
“I wish I had known that the first time I came here.” Chamomile said.  “Or
the first time I marched on the Keep, or was marched or whatever.”  She let
out a small laugh.  “It doesn’t matter anymore.  Nothing really matters.”
“I disagree.” I said.  “You made a mistake, but you tried to fix it.  That
matters Chamomile.”  She shook her head.
“I can’t fix this.” Chamomile whispered.  “I can’t undo what I’ve done.  I
betrayed my city, I sold out my loved ones.  Do you-do” She swallowed, “Do
you know what it’s like to be a coward Janelle?”
“I have an idea.” I said.
“Yeah yeah, so does everyone.” Chamomile said.  “Well I got to experience
it first hand.  I gave up defending my home.  I said what I wanted was
order, and maybe it was.  The world is so scary sometimes.”
“It’s scary most of the time.” I said.  “I worry all the time about my son,
especially as he grows older.  What am I sending him into?”  Chamomile
nodded.
“I wish I’d been braver.” Chamomile said.  “I can’t do anything though, I’m
nothing but a coward.  I-I hoped that I could come here and maybe help
Metamor.  I couldn’t save my Keep but maybe-“ Chamomile looked up at me.
Her hair was pasted to her forehead, slick with sweat.  Her eyes sparkled
with the hope of the damned.  “Maybe I could save your Keep.”
“That’s where your thinking went wrong Chamomile.” I said.  “Our Keep
doesn’t need saving.  We’ve been fire blasted in a furnace and rendered
harder than iron.  Yes, being cursed is horrid, yes it makes people scared
of us.  But we are stronger for it.”  Chamomile nodded.
“Stronger sounds wonderful.” Chamomile said.  “But I’m not strong.  I’ve
been tormented for years by what a coward I was.  You know, I actually
admired Nasoj when I first joined his forces.  Crazy right?”
“Not really.” I said.  “I’ve long since given up trying to understand just
why people admire who they do.”  Chamomile nodded.
“In my case it was because I thought he’d bring stability.  I suppose he
would have, when you smash everyone who opposes you things tend to be
pretty stable.” I smirked at that.  “Here’s the thing I learned.  When you
want stability, peace and control, that’s what you see at the end of the
tunnel.  You don’t see what it takes to get there.”
“Well, to get there would take a mountain of corpses.” I said.
“And that’s too high a price.” Chamomile said.  “But I stuck it out.  I
stayed with Nasoj’s forces, in his territories and kept trying to reconcile
my guilt.  I did that for six…seven?  I did it for years.  So much time
ultimately wasted, all for me to give in anyway.” She laughed.  “It was the
Yule Assault that broke me.
“I didn’t make it the full assault.  I was supposed to go with the
mercenaries sent to kill George but I…I never met up with them.  I doubt
they even noticed I was missing, hell I doubt they knew I was supposed to
be there.
“Instead I followed a random mercenary band because…” Chamomile shrugged,
“I don’t know.  The mercenaries seemed to alive and happy, compared to
their overseer sent by Nasoj.”
“And when one of them was hit by an arrow, they were put down like an
animal.” I said.  Chamomile nodded.
“That was on the second day.  And that was what broke me.” Chamomile said.
 “No concern for anyone.  Not even for those who supported you.  And the
most damning of all?  It wasn’t me.”  She laughed.  “I was waiting for
death and no one would strike me down.”
“So you have to just go on living.” I said.  Chamomile nodded.  “Sometimes
that’s the hardest thing in the world.”
“I don’t know what inspired me to come back here and try to break the
curse.” Chamomile said.  “My life after the assault is just a haze, all I
could see were the faces of the dying and I could hear their screams!”  She
began to hyperventilate.  “I can still hear them screaming at me for my
betrayal!  And I thought maybe I could fix everything.”  I sighed.
“It doesn’t work like that Chamomile.” I said.  “You can’t fix the past
sometimes.  You just have to live with it, and find a reason to keep
living.”
“And a lot of success I’ve had there.” Chamomile said.  “When I was
arrested, I figured I could tell you all what you wanted to hear.  Where
I’ve been living the last few years, just speaking words in praise of the
enemy leads to a quick execution.  And that’s all I deserve now.”  I didn’t
say anything.  Chamomile buried her head into her hands and began to sob.
“I can’t pass judgement on you.”  She looked up.  “Not for your past
actions at least.  But I can tell you this, what you’re hoping for will fix
nothing.  Trying to get yourself executed will not change the past.”
“Yes but nothing will!” Chamomile cried.
“You’re right.” I said.  “There is no way to change what you’ve done.  But
killing yourself is just adding another body to the pile.  You want to fix
things?” I stood up.  “Find a reason to live.  Find a way to serve.  Then
live your life.”  Chamomile looked back at the ground, unable to respond.
“I’m going to send Sebastian from Keep Intelligence in.” I said.  “He’ll
take you away to be questioned.  I’m going to tell him everything and I
expect you to do the same.”
“I can do that.” Chamomile sighed.  “I don’t assume I’ll be executed now
anyway.”
“I certainly hope not.” I said.  “I want to see you live.  I want to see
you live a long and fruitful life spent serving others.  That is how you
can work to make up for your past.”
The others were all grouped outside the hallway, waiting for me.  I closed
the door and collapsed against it, sliding down to the floor.  “Chamomile
is free to go with you whenever you want Sebastian.  But first there are a
few things you should know.”  I explained everything to Sebastian as best I
knew, before handing over Chamomile’s journal.
“That’s quite interesting.” Sebastian said, closing the journal.  “I…huh.”
 Sebastian looked completely baffled.  Scenerios were running behind his
eyes, none of them particularly appealing anymore.  Every time he tried to
speak he froze.  Finally, I spoke up.
“That woman wants to die.  As it stand she may kill herself before the week
ends.  There is nothing I can do from here on.”
“So I see.” Sebastian said.  “I’ll still have to take her to be questioned,
to verify this isn’t a ruse.”
“That’s your right.” Triche said.
“I won’t stop you.” I said.  “I’ve done my part; I’ve solved the mystery.”
 Sebastian nodded.
“There is no guarantee that we will release her any time soon.” Sebastian
said.  “Once I take her, she’ll be Intelligences problem.”  I shrugged.
“I’ve done all I can do.” I said.  “My case is closed.”
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