[Mkguild] Life I: What Came After - B

[Jack Moore]

AN: Bit longer tonight

Life I: What Came After - B

People respected me there and I didn’t have to kill anyone.  I turned onto
my side, only now noticing I had been on my tail.  Now that limb ached, I
pushed it away.  How much did they respect you though?  Your father is the
Lord, your mother was a member of the Imperial family.  You’ve got very
powerful people watching over you.
“Zheeeey didn’ like me.  Zhey feeer me.” I swallowed.  Ok, talking went a
little better that time.  Still gotta work on it.  I shook my head again.
So they fear me.  They don’t like me.  I know they fear me.  They probably
fucking hate me too.
Metamor wasn’t like Isenport at all.  I know that’s not an Earth shattering
revelation, but until you’ve gone from one to the other you don’t realize
how different they are.  And sitting in there, one thing I realized was how
fucking cold I was.
'Isenport isn’t cold, it’s always warm. And rainy.' I looked out the
window. 'Clear night with stars in the sky.  I never see the stars, it’s
always storming.' A smile crept across my new broad mouth. 'They’re
beautiful.' I turned back to the ceiling.
'I can’t see them there.  But I can see the ocean.  And I can see all of
Isenport.'  My grandfather built the manor house in the shadow of the old
keep.  He built it above the city, on top of a hill.  And he made a point
that the ball room, with its massive plate glass window, would face the
city.
In there you could see the buildings and the ships pulling into harbor.
The people were ants, scuttling between mounds.  They made the city pulsate
with life.  No matter what time of day they were out there.  They were
alive!
And when I came out...I frowned, When I came down from on high, they all
froze.  Everyone was quick to get out of the way for the noble brat.  And
if they didn’t my guards would beat the shit out of them.
As mentioned in my last letter I always had someone watching over me.
After Sir. Tallis’ assassination attempt I now had a cadre of bodyguards at
all time.  Anytime I went into Isenport there would be at least four of
them, always in earshot.
And if a peasant made the mistake of touching me, they’d break their legs.
Eventually people learned to just give me a small bow and move out of the
way.  I never wanted that.
That was life back at home. I sighed. 'Nothing but scared civilians,
bodyguards and my father always watching me. Always fucking there.'
The guards were there to guard me but never for a second think that was all
they did. They were there to watch me, to spy on me and make sure I became
who my father wanted me to be. And who did my father want me to be?
A man with no morals, compunctions or sense of loyalty to anyone but
himself.  Someone who could smile to your face and stab you in your back.
He wanted me to smile at the Emperor, while keeping the merchants and
artisans of Isenport loyal.

My father believed that the future would be dominated by the merchants.  In
that regard he was ahead of his time.

So the bodyguards I always had made sure I made it to every dull, dry
merchant guild meeting, to see how they were operating.  Whenever he made
rounds with the citizens most prosperous citizens, I made rounds too.  And
after that it was back to the manor, to pour over ledgers and combat
manuals (as the future lord I was head of the cities military).
And no more of that.' I rubbed my tongue against my teeth. 'Might as well
give these a try one more time.'
“I arrrm free herrre.”  I laughed.  Slight drag on the r, but a definite
improvement and oh my God I really am free aren’t I?
I know you’ve mentioned wanting to live the life of a noble.  And maybe
with some noble houses it’s a great life.  But for me?  Imagine having your
every word and action watched.  If you dress incorrectly expect severe
discipline.
“And I arrrm frree.”  I swallowed.  “I am free.  I’m free of him.  And…”
Then it returned, “And it just took me murdering that boy.”  And I started
to cry again.
When you’re suffering your thoughts will eventually return to the source.
And don’t say ‘just don’t think about it’, because that’s fucking useless.
You’d have an easier time removing your arm with the power of your mind.
I want Nemo.  Gods Nemo why can’t you be here! I was sitting up now, with
my knees pressing against my lungs.  I want Nemo no I need a hug.  I need
someone please I can’t be alone...I want my mother…
But I was alone.  Or at least somewhat alone.  My crying did at least wake
one person up.
“Squeee!”  Even in the dark I could see the scurrying form of my little rat
friend as he climbed up my blankets.  He stood up on two legs and his
silver whiskers twitched.  He was sniffing me I think, but reptiles don’t
have much scent.
“Hey therre.” I forced a smile through my crying.  “I didn’t mean to wake
you.  I didn’t I hope I mean I’m such a fucking inconsiderate-” I shook my
head.  “Look at me crying and talking to a rat.  This is not my best
moment.”
The little rat climbed over and put a forepaw on my knee.  He kept sniffing
the air, but I swear I knew he was trying to comfort me.  I gingerly
reached out for his quivering body.  “Don’t be scared.  You’re really sweet
you know.”
Even with my new scaled fingers I was amazed at how soft he felt.  He
clearly enjoyed it and began rubbing against my fingers.  “You’re one smart
rodent you know?  I guess that makes sense, Metamor is a land of really
smart rats I bet.”
“Squeak!” The rat fist pumped.  I scratched my head.
“Wait, what?”  The little rat turned his head.  “Can you understand me?”
 The rat sniffed a bit, then ran his forepaws over his nuzzle.  “Of course
not.  I need sleep.  So what’s stopping me?”  I flopped back onto my pillow.

The rat currled up on my chest and graciously allowed me to keep stroking.
 “Well I killed someone.  Fucking mess I made, I fucking killed someone and
I can’t undo that.  And I can see him you know?”

“Squee!”

“Is that insane?” I asked.  The rat nibbled on my claws.  “No, what’s
insane is I don’t know that boys name.  I don’t know anything about him.
He wasn’t any older than me and I killed him!  I didn’t even hesitate.”

'And he bled all over me.' Again I saw him, inches from me. 'He was
mouthing something to me, what on Earth was it? It was so important he get
something out, and I have no idea what it was.'

“What’s insane is eventually I’ll forget about him too.” I said.  “Then
what’ll be left?  A body in an unmarked grave?  A few fragments of
memories?  And it’ll be like he never existed.”  The rat rubbed against my
hand.

“As scared as people were of me in Isenport, at least I wasn’t alone.” I
mumbled.  “I left an impression on them.  They remember me even though” I
sighed again, “Even though that bastard sack of shit I call a father no
doubt told them I’m dead.”

I looked back out the window.  I couldn't see much of anything besides the
sky and the tops of a few other buildings.  The place we lived at the time
was a tiny little hovel that seemingly had grown out of another building.
It was near the walls of the Keep itself, so the view was less than
spectacular.

Right now though it fit my mood. Outside this room were buildings full of
people, streets soon to be teeming with life. 'So why do I feel so alone?'

For the same reason even though the people of Isenport feared me I felt
better there. Because they knew me. I left an impression on them. Not here.
I was just one of a thousand cursed peoples, stuck because they couldn’t
send me anywhere else.

“And whenever I was upset I could always find comfort.” I stroked the
little rat, sitting on my lap.  “Well, at least I could whenever father
wasn’t around.  Then I had falconry.  Even before then...”  The room around
me began to fade away as I fell into the past.  Back to a warm room in
Isenport years ago.

“Mamma…”  And there she was before me.  Her brown hair lit up like gold in
the sun, and her eyes so warm.  She smiled at me.

“You know James I’ll always be here” She brushed my hair out of my eyes,
 “Anytime you need me.”  I swallowed.

“I know you were.  Anytime I needed to feel loved.”  I sniffled, “But
you’re not here now are you?  You’re dead.”

Instantly I was back in Metamor, with a rat on my lap and a cool breeze
outside.  “You’re dead, that boy is dead, Tallis is dead and I’m right
here.  I’m here in this stupid city, in this stupid room and I’m never
going to leave am I?”

“Squeak!”  I swear the rat shrugged at me then, but I was too out of it to
notice.  I lay back down, letting the rat climb up my chest.

“You know what happened anytime father saw I needed a hug, or someone to
tell me it would be alright?” I asked.  “He would call me weak, pitiful, a
disgrace or any other word he could think of to guilt trip me back into
line.”

When you’re a noble, you’re not your own person. You’re a part of a
lineage. You are the hopes of your forebears in the flesh.  Your very
existence is them gambling their legacy. So you’d best live up to
expectations!  If you don’t they will let you know.

“Of course living up to expectations meant becoming a miniature version of
Father.” I said to the rat.  “And that was a doomed effort, I could never
hope to be as cruel and callous as he was!”

“Squeak?” I pet his fur a little faster now, not enough to hurt him.

“Anything I did that didn’t fit in with his ideas for his linneage was not
good enough.” I said.  “Father’s long term goal was to see either himself
as Emperor, or me as his stand in.  I mean yeah there currently is an
Emperor but Father never let that stand in his way.”

I stopped petting. “And he never let me stand in his way either.  Just
because I didn’t yet fit doesn’t mean he couldn’t bash me into line.  And
he bashed like crazy.”  The rat licked my fingers in sympathy.

“Yeah I know you don’t get it.  I didn’t fit there.” I said.  “Not
Isenport, but around my father.  I’m away from there now and...and now
what?  I’m in a city where no one knows me and I killed someone.”

Because when you’re depressed it always goes around in circles.  No matter
how mentally exhausted you are, your torment is unending.  How much time
had passed by now?  Not nearly enough, it was still night outside.

“I need to sleep.” My head hurt but I was still awake.  And then my body
hurt and I was still awake.  And then the sun was starting to rise.

;What the hell happened?' The little rat was curled up on my lap.  And I
was laying down, feeling like I had just drowned. 'Did I fall asleep? I
must have. Didn’t feel like sleep.'

My body felt like it had merged with my slab-bed.  I forced myself back up
again.  Metamor was quiet, that kind of quiet that only comes with the
twilight between night and day.  I rubbed my forehead dry before
remembering I no longer sweat.

“So the sun is up.” I mumbled.  “And what does that mean?  Another
meaningless day on the inexorable path from cradle to grave.  I don’t even
fucking care anymore.”

I once was filled with a fire to get out of here.  And after a month that
fire was smoldered. Now what was left? 'What do I do with myself? I killed
someone, what do I do next? I can’t fix it and I don’t know and I don’t
like it.'

“Metamor will wake up soon.” I said.  “How do people here keep going every
day?  They’re fucking cursed like me.  How do they get out of bed and not
jump off the fucking roof?  How does Brightleaf kill people and be fucking
okay with it?”

I didn’t want to disturb the rat on me.  In truth I didn’t want to move
ever again.  I wanted to lay there until I turned into a liquid.

'I need to get up though, and I need to leave.  I want my bird, I don’t
have him.  I need...out of here. If I stay in here, I’ll fucking kill
myself.' People say that far too often than I find comfortable.  So often
in fact it loses its edge.

But here in that moment I was completely sincere. I couldn’t see any future
for me, and I couldn’t be in that room anymore.

Standing there I looked over my fully changed body for the first time. I
hadn’t actually done that once since this had begun. I guess I had been
trying to avoid it, maybe avoid the change that way.

The first thing I realized, and I’ll always remember this, was 'I have no
hair!' I don’t know why but even years later that thought brings a smile to
my scaled face.  It’s the little things that make you realize how much
you’ve changed.

“I’ve got no hair at all. That’s fucking amazing.” I turned to the rat,
sitting on my bed.  “I’m never going to have any hair again, am I?”  The
rat sniffed the air.
“Yeah you fucking know it I bet.” My hands moved over my chest now.  Some
reptiles have more plate like scales on their undersides.

My species was not one of those.  The scales were small and round, and made
me feel bumpy all over. I also no longer had nipples. 'I guess I’ll have to
get used to that too.' “Do I look as silly to you as I feel?”

“Squeak!” I nodded.

“I can...I can go…” My hands fell down. “I can’t go out like this, I don’t
want anyone to see this me. I can’t I can’t I can’t” I sank down to the
floor, shaking my head.  “What’s wrong with me?”

Nothing.  That’s the worst part of guilt and depression. You’ve done wrong
things in life, but nothing so bad to deserve this self destructive misery.
But the mind doesn’t work like that. You think rationally, but you keep
circling back around to your misery.

“I can’t go out like this.  I can’t.”  I grabbed my skirt and wrapped it
around my waste.  Then my super long sleeved shirt I had bought the same
day I met Patric.  Next this ugly black shawl I had bought the day after I
met Sir Egland.

Then the last piece.  The one I hadn’t needed because my face was still
mostly human.  But now I had to hide it.

Before my ill-fated patrol, I purchased a veil. One I knew I was going to
need now. I tucked it into my shawl, over my face. It hid my muzzle
completely.  All you could see were two golden eyes, shining in the dark.

Each one of these pieces was a different color, each was uglier than the
last.  But they did their job.  I was completely hidden from the world.
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