[Mkguild] Isam-style summary of Liturgy of Blood

[C. Matthias]

Rimme, I found this hilarious and it came at a good time; a time I 
needed a good laugh.  I hope my characters motivations aren't as 
contrived as this made them out to be, but it makes for a good parody 
on the tale.

Feel free to do this to any of my other stories. :-)

May He bless you and keep you in His grace and love,

Charles Matthias

At 12:07 AM 6/10/2019, Rimme wrote:
>Tathom: The Patriarch is coming! Lumber crew, I have a special 
>assignment for you!
>
>Lumber crew: Yes, sir! Whatever you need, we're strong enough to handle it!
>
>Tathom: Good, I want you to take these tiny paintbrushes and 
>whitewash the town!
>
>Lumber crew: Oh! ... Um.
>
>----
>
>Raven: The Patriarch is coming! Acolytes, I want you to do something for me.
>
>Acolytes: Yes, ma'am! We may not be strong, but we are many, and if 
>there's any task that's both menial and requires us to spread out 
>throughout the town, we can do it!
>
>Raven: Oh, no, nothing like that. You're all going to sit in the 
>temple while Merai and I handle Lothanasi complaints!
>
>Acolytes: Ah! ... Hmm.
>
>----
>
>Thomas: Is everything ready for the Patriarch? What if I say 
>something wrong? What if he hates me?
>
>Malisa: I'm your daughter. I've only been Prime Minister for a 
>couple months. This is my first time meeting a foreign dignitary as 
>Prime Minister. Shouldn't I be the one who's nervous? Shouldn't you 
>be advising me?
>
>Thomas: I just want him to be my friend.
>
>Malisa: I'm not gonna be in this story much, am I?
>
>----
>
>Kashin: Hello, you must be one of Metamor's elite scouts. Sorry for 
>sneaking up on you like that, but the Patriarch would like you to 
>ride with him on his way to Metamor. Also, I believe this is your 
>weapon, which you dropped from staring at me in disbelief. (hair flick)
>
>Finbar: Truly, the Patriarch is the greatest man ever!
>
>----
>
>Thomas: Your Eminence, I know you wished your visit to be in secret. 
>Please don't hate me for word getting out.
>
>Patriarch: It is no matter, and please call me Akabaieth. Though I 
>must maintain the appearance of nobility, in private I wish to be 
>addressed like a commoner.
>
>Thomas: Why, I also wish us nobles could address each other as 
>commoners! You are a kindred spirit!
>
>Patriarch: I am just a humble man who dreams of world peace. And I 
>have done so by traveling in secret to the far north, revealing to 
>no one I have come.
>
>Vinsah: I think the Patriarch's plan is stupid, but I trust him 
>completely with my life.
>
>Patriarch: So please, tell me more about your magic.
>
>Vinsah: (pales)
>
>----
>
>Albert: I will spend the rest of this story thinking of taking the 
>Duke and riding him.
>
>Yacoub: (blushes)
>
>Andre & Saulius: Hello, we are the only two named knights in 
>Metamor, one of whom is from the steppes.
>
>Albert & Yacoub: Hello, we are the only two named knights of the 
>Patriarch, one of whom is from the steppes.
>
>Andre & Saulius & Albert & Yacoub: We have so much in common, let's 
>be friends!
>
>----
>
>Patriarch: So tell me, how was your chapel built?
>
>Hough: Oh, it wasn't built. The Keep's demi-god Kyia created it out 
>of nothing, after she'd been asked to by my friend the ancient robot 
>fox, who was found and rebuilt by an axe-wielding commando clockmaker.
>
>Patriarch: Truly the wonders of Metamor Keep are beyond all ability 
>to understand.
>
>----
>
>Wessex: I thought I saw Zagrosek in these woods! Rupert, give me 
>that lethal magic-detecting powder you carry at all times!
>
>Phil: Wasn't there a story where you had a pair of magical 
>spectacles to see magic?
>
>Wessex: Sorry, my author ignores it. Aha! These leaves have magic! 
>Phil, you must swear not to tell Thomas, or he will foolishly send 
>scouts to their deaths looking for Zagrosek!
>
>Phil: Given that I command the scouts, and the Duke is one of my 
>closest friends who has given me wise counsel and kept my many 
>secrets before, I will gladly tell him nothing for you.
>
>----
>
>Patriarch: I used to be a Whalish atheist like you, Phil. I only got 
>into religion to spite my father, who destroyed my childhood dream 
>to join the navy. And for some reason, the Council of Bishops 
>distrusts me. Hello, servant Kimberly. It is a pleasure to make your 
>acquaintance.
>
>Thomas: Why, no other noble aside from me and Phil has ever 
>addressed a commoner as if they were a person! Truly you are the 
>greatest man ever!
>
>Patriarch: I am but a humble noble who wants to eliminate social 
>classes. It is you and Phil who are the greatest nobles ever.
>
>Thomas: Tell me more about these Yeshuel. They serve you from birth?
>
>Patriarch: Oh, not quite. I monitor everyone's sex lives, and bless 
>every 1000th conception ever made. The children may choose not to 
>accept my blessing, but those that do get special Yeshuel powers. 
>Strangely, the only ones who survive to birth are all boys. I 
>suppose if a girl did survive, our entire theology would have to be 
>rewritten, ho hum.
>
>Kashin: Mmmmm, delicious eggs! Did you know that some of the female 
>animal morphs here lay eggs, and then the males fertilize them by 
>jerking off on them?
>
>Vinsah: (turns beet-red)
>
>----
>
>Kashin: Are you a Sondecki?
>
>Charles: Grrr, how did you discover my secret? I hate you.
>
>Kashin: I am a Yeshuel, and I have my own secrets. It is an honor to 
>be in the presence of a Sondecki, whose name means justice.
>
>Charles: I instantly trust you now. Let's go for a walk.
>
>----
>
>Murikeer: I must hide in the shadows, for no human could show me 
>anything but fear or hatred.
>
>Patriarch: What a poor creature, Vinsah. Let's stay and talk with him.
>
>Vinsah: (holds breath)
>
>Patriarch: Please, tell me more about your magic.
>
>Vinsah: (sweats profusely)
>
>Patriarch: Do you think I could learn magic?
>
>Vinsah: (turns purple)
>
>Murikeer: You have shown me that not all Ecclesian priests hate 
>magic. Please accept this sculpture I have made of you, out of magic.
>
>Patriarch: Thank you, Murikeer. I will be sure to take it out often 
>in front of Vinsah.
>
>Vinsah: (eyes bulge)
>
>----
>
>Charles: And this is the Long House, home of the Long Scouts. 
>They're supposed to be a secret, but I'm sure they won't care.
>
>Kashin: What's behind that door over there?
>
>Charles: That's a secret. How dare you intrude upon other people's secrets.
>
>Kashin: Let's fight.
>
>Charles: How did you defeat my all-powerful Sondeck with only a V motion?
>
>Kashin: That's a secret.
>
>----
>
>Raven: Our churches are both corrupt. Enemies hide among us. War is 
>coming, as the prophecies have foretold.
>
>Patriarch: I will nonetheless openly tell everyone my dreams of world peace.
>
>----
>
>Yacoub: Andre, do you think I could... touch your hand?
>
>Andre: Of course, but don't take too long, or people might think 
>we're gay! Ha ha!
>
>Yacoub: (blushes)
>
>Albert: There's something evil in the woods!
>
>Yacoub: (stares longingly at Andre)
>
>Andre: Welp, not our problem. Let's tell the patrol master, so he 
>can send someone out tomorrow.
>
>----
>
>Murikeer: Elvmere, you must leave the Patriarch, and embrace magic!
>
>Vinsah: No! I hate magic, and love the Patriarch!
>
>Younger Patriarch: Ha ha! I hate magic, and love killing Lothanasi!
>
>Vinsah: That is not what I said at all.
>
>Raven: Elvmere, you must wear this mask, or you are as evil as your 
>Patriarch was!
>
>Vinsah: Get this mask off me, and stop calling me Elvmere!
>
>Dream Woman: Elvmere, Elvmere, Elvmere. If you leave Metamor, a man 
>in black will try to kill you!
>
>Vinsah: AHHH! Oh, thank Eli, it was just a dream.
>
>Serpent: Hello, stranger. Want a mask?
>
>Vinsah: AAAAHHHHHHH!!
>
>Kashin: Blast, whoever scared Vinsah has disappeared down a dark 
>hallway, my one weakness. (hair flick)
>
>----
>
>Charles: There's nothing in these woods.
>
>Finbar: I am scared for no reason.
>
>Charles: Welp, let's go back and say we found nothing.
>
>----
>
>Jessica: Master, we are heading to the Patriarch's speech, where he 
>will outline his vision for world peace. Will you come?
>
>Wessex: Tell me later. I have just discovered proof that our enemy 
>Zagrosek was hiding in the woods, and rather than tell anyone, I 
>must spend tonight and tomorrow casting a spell to determine what 
>evil scheme he could be planning.
>
>----
>
>Murikeer: Misha, the Patriarch's speech was so inspiring, I wish to 
>join the scouts who will watch him tonight.
>
>Misha: Actually, you and Charles will be an hour north of him, 
>watching the road. It has been acting suspiciously road-like.
>
>----
>
>Thomas: Farewell, Patriarch! Truly, none but Eli could have written 
>a speech as wonderful as yours was!
>
>Vinsah: Patriarch, I have this uneasy feeling that I should stay at Metamor.
>
>Patriarch: I had a dream last night that a mysterious woman wanted 
>you to stay at Metamor. Also, you were wearing a mask.
>
>Vinsah: These signs reek of magic. I'd better ignore them.
>
>----
>
>Wessex: Thomas! Zagrosek is here, and he's going to murder the 
>Patriarch! I must cast a spell to contact the scouts, rather than 
>the Patriarch or his bodyguards directly!
>
>Thomas: Oh, what a fool I was to let him leave without protection!
>
>Phil: Oh, what a fool I was to say nothing!
>
>Thomas: Will we become less foolish if we run in circles for a bit?
>
>Phil: Can't hurt to try.
>
>----
>
>Agathe: What a fool you are to come alone, little wizard.
>
>Wessex: You can't kill me, you and Zagrosek need me for your evil plan!
>
>Agathe: You are completely right, but I won't tell you that. Men suck.
>
>----
>
>Kashin: A Sondecki? What are you doing out here in a rainstorm?
>
>Zagrosek: I am here to kill the Patriarch.
>
>Iosef: Fear not, Kashin. I also know the secret to attacking Sondeckis!
>
>Zagrosek: (kills with non-Sondecki death ray)
>
>Kashin: My arm! (faints with a hair flick)
>
>----
>
>Yeshuel: Your Eminence! A magic assassin is in the camp! We must 
>flee to Metamor!
>
>Patriarch: We? No no no, I will flee to Metamor alone. The rest of 
>you will charge uselessly at him, to buy me time to escape.
>
>Yeshuel: Your Eminence, it is good that I am so loyal, or I might 
>question your orders. You should at least take the fastest horse we have.
>
>Patriarch: Horse? Heavens, no! The knights need those horses, so 
>they can also charge uselessly at him. I will be running away on foot.
>
>Yeshuel: On foot? In the middle of the night, through the woods, 
>during a rainstorm, at your age, completely alone, for 20 miles with 
>a magic assassin at your back?
>
>Patriarch: Look, if I'm gonna be a martyr, I at least want it to 
>look pathetic.
>
>----
>
>Dream Woman: Elvmere! The man in black is here! Use your dinner 
>plate to save yourself!
>
>Vinsah: A flimsy piece of metal, to stop an assassin? Eh, it's a 
>better idea than an old man like me running alone in the woods in a 
>rainstorm at night.
>
>Zagrosek: Grrr, even though I must conserve my Sondeck, I will use 
>it to crush the chests of these non-combatant priests, rather than 
>slitting their throats.
>
>----
>
>Knights: Charge!
>
>Zagrosek: (slams his sword into a horse's legs with Sondecki force)
>
>Knights: Charge!
>
>Zagrosek: (throws Sondecki forcefield at knights)
>
>Knights: Charge!
>
>Zagrosek: (hurls knight across the camp with Sondecki strength)
>
>Knights: Charge!
>
>Zagrosek: (sidesteps and stabs a knight in the ribs and then stabs 
>the horse with Sondecki dexterity)
>
>Yeshuel: Charge!
>
>Zagrosek: (stabs a Yeshuel and decapitates the other with Sondecki 
>sleight-of-hand)
>
>Albert: Do we have, like, a plan that doesn't involve charging?
>
>Footmen: Charge!
>
>Zagrosek: Whew, that was tough, but I managed to use the last of my 
>Sondeck killing everyone.
>
>Albert: Not me!
>
>Agathe: Zagrosek, you pompous self-centered pig! Stop wasting time 
>and kill the Patriarch!
>
>Albert: Ack!
>
>Zagrosek: The Patriarch's gone! If only there were a way to track 
>him, like if the ground were muddy or something!
>
>Agathe: You're lucky I know the Deus Ex Machina rune, you 
>irresponsible hyper-masculine baboon.
>
>Zagrosek: Excellent! I will chase him down using my Sondecki speed!
>
>Patriarch: My men may not have been ready to die, but I am. But 
>before I die, tell me, why would a Sondecki like you assassinate 
>someone like me?
>
>Zagrosek: That's a secret.
>
>Agathe: Zagrosek, you incompetent milk-blooded fencepost! There's a 
>man here you forgot to kill! Now kill him because I'm lazy!
>
>Zagrosek: Wait, this is the man whose mind we read with my Sondecki 
>mind-reading! Since he had an evil thought, let's kidnap him, with 
>my Sondecki strength, and make him commit the act himself!
>
>Agathe: I thought you ran out of Sondeck.
>
>Zagrosek: Silly woman, everyone knows "Sondeck" is Southlandese for 
>"plot powers".
>
>Agathe: Let's just get to the shadow realm, you insipid turd of a 
>rock pigeon. Men suck. I'm suddenly horny, let's have sex!
>
>----
>
>Thomas: This is all my fault, I should have sent more guards.
>
>Phil: This is all my fault. I should have trusted you with my secrets.
>
>Wessex: This is all Charles's fault! He and Zagrosek are 
>collaborating with Nasoj! I have no proof, but you must believe me, 
>and tell him nothing!
>
>Raven: Did something happen to the Patriarch?
>
>Wessex: How did you know?!
>
>Raven: Many intense prayer sessions, and also the fact that you and 
>the knights were running around everywhere.
>
>Charles: Your grace. Terrible news, the Patriarch...
>
>Raven: ... has died. I take it you found survivors, and they're up 
>with the healer? Otherwise, a loyal Patildor like yourself wouldn't 
>have left the scene of the crime.
>
>Thomas: What an incredibly competent mind you have. If only we'd 
>consulted you sooner.
>
>Wessex: (grumble grumble)
>
>Kashin: I have failed to protect the Patriarch. All I have is the 
>dagger that killed him, of Sathmoran design.
>
>Raven: Good thing none of us are crazy enough to go wave it around 
>and claim that this is Sathmore's fault.
>
>Wessex: Kashin, I need that dagger for another augury spell. Gimme gimme.
>
>Kashin: No, I am bound by my Yeshuel oaths to carry this with me to 
>Sathmore, and tell everyone that I have sworn revenge on the man who 
>killed the Patriarch.
>
>Raven: Ah, shoot.
>
>Wessex: Hey, I'm just glad I'm not the only self-interested 
>detective around here.
>
>----
>
>Angernil: Thank you for the information, Raven. Too bad Akabaieth is 
>dead, he could have brought peace between the faiths once and for all.
>
>Raven: And now corruption remains everywhere, our own council acts 
>against us, and war approaches.
>
>Angernil. Yep. This meeting of the Ineffectual Members of the 
>Lightbringer Council is now adjourned.
>
>----
>
>Dream Woman: Welcome home, Elvmere. Now accept Murikeer's gift and 
>embrace magic.
>
>Vinsah: But why? Why did you care so much that I stay at Metamor, 
>and left the rest of my friends to die?
>
>Dream Woman: We all ask that question, but sometimes, we must accept 
>it as the will of the creator.
>
>Vinsah: So you have no idea either.
>
>Coe: Ah, you are awake! Guess what, you are turning into a raccoon, 
>like me! With a mask and everything!
>
>Vinsah: Could you make sure no one else enters? All this blatant 
>irony is making me sick.
>
>----
>
>Andre: I am so sorry, Yacoub, for the loss of Albert. And our 
>beloved Patriarch, too, I guess. But we did find his horse and yours!
>
>Andre & Saulius & Yacoub: Hurray!
>
>----
>
>Andares: Greetings, friend. I am an Aelf, and my master told me to 
>find you. He says this was not just an assassination, but a 
>conspiracy. Follow me if you wish to hunt these conspirators who 
>murdered the Patriarch.
>
>Kashin: This sounds like a plot hook. How many are we at, right now?
>
>----
>
>
>(Postscript: I finished reading Liturgy of Blood a couple months 
>ago, and I found I had very mixed feelings about it. Everything that 
>ISN'T written above (and some stuff that is), I enjoyed quite a bit, 
>but... there's a few things that stuck out, so I had to write this. 
>Apologies to MattRat for this :)
>
>If you didn't get the subject reference, this was inspired by ISAM's 
>legendary Wheel of Time summaries.)
>
>
>---
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