[Mkguild] Isam-style summary of Liturgy of Blood

[AmigaDragon]

Hello,

Isam? I first read that as Islam and was confused by what you were
trying to do.

Sunday, June 9, 2019, 11:07:28 PM, Rimme wrote:

R> Tathom: The Patriarch is coming! Lumber crew, I have a special 
R> assignment for you!

R> Lumber crew: Yes, sir! Whatever you need, we're strong enough to handle it!

R> Tathom: Good, I want you to take these tiny paintbrushes and whitewash
R> the town!

R> Lumber crew: Oh! ... Um.

R> ----

R> Raven: The Patriarch is coming! Acolytes, I want you to do something for me.

R> Acolytes: Yes, ma'am! We may not be strong, but we are many, and if 
R> there's any task that's both menial and requires us to spread out 
R> throughout the town, we can do it!

R> Raven: Oh, no, nothing like that. You're all going to sit in the temple
R> while Merai and I handle Lothanasi complaints!

R> Acolytes: Ah! ... Hmm.

R> ----

R> Thomas: Is everything ready for the Patriarch? What if I say something
R> wrong? What if he hates me?

R> Malisa: I'm your daughter. I've only been Prime Minister for a couple 
R> months. This is my first time meeting a foreign dignitary as Prime 
R> Minister. Shouldn't I be the one who's nervous? Shouldn't you be 
R> advising me?

R> Thomas: I just want him to be my friend.

R> Malisa: I'm not gonna be in this story much, am I?

R> ----

R> Kashin: Hello, you must be one of Metamor's elite scouts. Sorry for 
R> sneaking up on you like that, but the Patriarch would like you to ride
R> with him on his way to Metamor. Also, I believe this is your weapon, 
R> which you dropped from staring at me in disbelief. (hair flick)

R> Finbar: Truly, the Patriarch is the greatest man ever!

R> ----

R> Thomas: Your Eminence, I know you wished your visit to be in secret. 
R> Please don't hate me for word getting out.

R> Patriarch: It is no matter, and please call me Akabaieth. Though I must
R> maintain the appearance of nobility, in private I wish to be addressed
R> like a commoner.

R> Thomas: Why, I also wish us nobles could address each other as 
R> commoners! You are a kindred spirit!

R> Patriarch: I am just a humble man who dreams of world peace. And I have
R> done so by traveling in secret to the far north, revealing to no one I
R> have come.

R> Vinsah: I think the Patriarch's plan is stupid, but I trust him 
R> completely with my life.

R> Patriarch: So please, tell me more about your magic.

R> Vinsah: (pales)

R> ----

R> Albert: I will spend the rest of this story thinking of taking the Duke
R> and riding him.

R> Yacoub: (blushes)

R> Andre & Saulius: Hello, we are the only two named knights in Metamor, 
R> one of whom is from the steppes.

R> Albert & Yacoub: Hello, we are the only two named knights of the 
R> Patriarch, one of whom is from the steppes.

R> Andre & Saulius & Albert & Yacoub: We have so much in common, let's be
R> friends!

R> ----

R> Patriarch: So tell me, how was your chapel built?

R> Hough: Oh, it wasn't built. The Keep's demi-god Kyia created it out of
R> nothing, after she'd been asked to by my friend the ancient robot fox,
R> who was found and rebuilt by an axe-wielding commando clockmaker.

R> Patriarch: Truly the wonders of Metamor Keep are beyond all ability to
R> understand.

R> ----

R> Wessex: I thought I saw Zagrosek in these woods! Rupert, give me that 
R> lethal magic-detecting powder you carry at all times!

R> Phil: Wasn't there a story where you had a pair of magical spectacles to
R> see magic?

R> Wessex: Sorry, my author ignores it. Aha! These leaves have magic! Phil,
R> you must swear not to tell Thomas, or he will foolishly send scouts to
R> their deaths looking for Zagrosek!

R> Phil: Given that I command the scouts, and the Duke is one of my closest
R> friends who has given me wise counsel and kept my many secrets before, I
R> will gladly tell him nothing for you.

R> ----

R> Patriarch: I used to be a Whalish atheist like you, Phil. I only got 
R> into religion to spite my father, who destroyed my childhood dream to 
R> join the navy. And for some reason, the Council of Bishops distrusts me.
R> Hello, servant Kimberly. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

R> Thomas: Why, no other noble aside from me and Phil has ever addressed a
R> commoner as if they were a person! Truly you are the greatest man ever!

R> Patriarch: I am but a humble noble who wants to eliminate social 
R> classes. It is you and Phil who are the greatest nobles ever.

R> Thomas: Tell me more about these Yeshuel. They serve you from birth?

R> Patriarch: Oh, not quite. I monitor everyone's sex lives, and bless 
R> every 1000th conception ever made. The children may choose not to accept
R> my blessing, but those that do get special Yeshuel powers. Strangely, 
R> the only ones who survive to birth are all boys. I suppose if a girl did
R> survive, our entire theology would have to be rewritten, ho hum.

R> Kashin: Mmmmm, delicious eggs! Did you know that some of the female 
R> animal morphs here lay eggs, and then the males fertilize them by 
R> jerking off on them?

R> Vinsah: (turns beet-red)

R> ----

R> Kashin: Are you a Sondecki?

R> Charles: Grrr, how did you discover my secret? I hate you.

R> Kashin: I am a Yeshuel, and I have my own secrets. It is an honor to be
R> in the presence of a Sondecki, whose name means justice.

R> Charles: I instantly trust you now. Let's go for a walk.

R> ----

R> Murikeer: I must hide in the shadows, for no human could show me 
R> anything but fear or hatred.

R> Patriarch: What a poor creature, Vinsah. Let's stay and talk with him.

R> Vinsah: (holds breath)

R> Patriarch: Please, tell me more about your magic.

R> Vinsah: (sweats profusely)

R> Patriarch: Do you think I could learn magic?

R> Vinsah: (turns purple)

R> Murikeer: You have shown me that not all Ecclesian priests hate magic.
R> Please accept this sculpture I have made of you, out of magic.

R> Patriarch: Thank you, Murikeer. I will be sure to take it out often in
R> front of Vinsah.

R> Vinsah: (eyes bulge)

R> ----

R> Charles: And this is the Long House, home of the Long Scouts. They're 
R> supposed to be a secret, but I'm sure they won't care.

R> Kashin: What's behind that door over there?

R> Charles: That's a secret. How dare you intrude upon other people's secrets.

R> Kashin: Let's fight.

R> Charles: How did you defeat my all-powerful Sondeck with only a V motion?

R> Kashin: That's a secret.

R> ----

R> Raven: Our churches are both corrupt. Enemies hide among us. War is 
R> coming, as the prophecies have foretold.

R> Patriarch: I will nonetheless openly tell everyone my dreams of world peace.

R> ----

R> Yacoub: Andre, do you think I could... touch your hand?

R> Andre: Of course, but don't take too long, or people might think we're
R> gay! Ha ha!

R> Yacoub: (blushes)

R> Albert: There's something evil in the woods!

R> Yacoub: (stares longingly at Andre)

R> Andre: Welp, not our problem. Let's tell the patrol master, so he can 
R> send someone out tomorrow.

R> ----

R> Murikeer: Elvmere, you must leave the Patriarch, and embrace magic!

R> Vinsah: No! I hate magic, and love the Patriarch!

R> Younger Patriarch: Ha ha! I hate magic, and love killing Lothanasi!

R> Vinsah: That is not what I said at all.

R> Raven: Elvmere, you must wear this mask, or you are as evil as your 
R> Patriarch was!

R> Vinsah: Get this mask off me, and stop calling me Elvmere!

R> Dream Woman: Elvmere, Elvmere, Elvmere. If you leave Metamor, a man in
R> black will try to kill you!

R> Vinsah: AHHH! Oh, thank Eli, it was just a dream.

R> Serpent: Hello, stranger. Want a mask?

R> Vinsah: AAAAHHHHHHH!!

R> Kashin: Blast, whoever scared Vinsah has disappeared down a dark 
R> hallway, my one weakness. (hair flick)

R> ----

R> Charles: There's nothing in these woods.

R> Finbar: I am scared for no reason.

R> Charles: Welp, let's go back and say we found nothing.

R> ----

R> Jessica: Master, we are heading to the Patriarch's speech, where he will
R> outline his vision for world peace. Will you come?

R> Wessex: Tell me later. I have just discovered proof that our enemy 
R> Zagrosek was hiding in the woods, and rather than tell anyone, I must 
R> spend tonight and tomorrow casting a spell to determine what evil scheme
R> he could be planning.

R> ----

R> Murikeer: Misha, the Patriarch's speech was so inspiring, I wish to join
R> the scouts who will watch him tonight.

R> Misha: Actually, you and Charles will be an hour north of him, watching
R> the road. It has been acting suspiciously road-like.

R> ----

R> Thomas: Farewell, Patriarch! Truly, none but Eli could have written a 
R> speech as wonderful as yours was!

R> Vinsah: Patriarch, I have this uneasy feeling that I should stay at Metamor.

R> Patriarch: I had a dream last night that a mysterious woman wanted you
R> to stay at Metamor. Also, you were wearing a mask.

R> Vinsah: These signs reek of magic. I'd better ignore them.

R> ----

R> Wessex: Thomas! Zagrosek is here, and he's going to murder the 
R> Patriarch! I must cast a spell to contact the scouts, rather than the 
R> Patriarch or his bodyguards directly!

R> Thomas: Oh, what a fool I was to let him leave without protection!

R> Phil: Oh, what a fool I was to say nothing!

R> Thomas: Will we become less foolish if we run in circles for a bit?

R> Phil: Can't hurt to try.

R> ----

R> Agathe: What a fool you are to come alone, little wizard.

R> Wessex: You can't kill me, you and Zagrosek need me for your evil plan!

R> Agathe: You are completely right, but I won't tell you that. Men suck.

R> ----

R> Kashin: A Sondecki? What are you doing out here in a rainstorm?

R> Zagrosek: I am here to kill the Patriarch.

R> Iosef: Fear not, Kashin. I also know the secret to attacking Sondeckis!

R> Zagrosek: (kills with non-Sondecki death ray)

R> Kashin: My arm! (faints with a hair flick)

R> ----

R> Yeshuel: Your Eminence! A magic assassin is in the camp! We must flee to
R> Metamor!

R> Patriarch: We? No no no, I will flee to Metamor alone. The rest of you
R> will charge uselessly at him, to buy me time to escape.

R> Yeshuel: Your Eminence, it is good that I am so loyal, or I might 
R> question your orders. You should at least take the fastest horse we have.

R> Patriarch: Horse? Heavens, no! The knights need those horses, so they 
R> can also charge uselessly at him. I will be running away on foot.

R> Yeshuel: On foot? In the middle of the night, through the woods, during
R> a rainstorm, at your age, completely alone, for 20 miles with a magic 
R> assassin at your back?

R> Patriarch: Look, if I'm gonna be a martyr, I at least want it to look 
R> pathetic.

R> ----

R> Dream Woman: Elvmere! The man in black is here! Use your dinner plate to
R> save yourself!

R> Vinsah: A flimsy piece of metal, to stop an assassin? Eh, it's a better
R> idea than an old man like me running alone in the woods in a rainstorm
R> at night.

R> Zagrosek: Grrr, even though I must conserve my Sondeck, I will use it to
R> crush the chests of these non-combatant priests, rather than slitting 
R> their throats.

R> ----

R> Knights: Charge!

R> Zagrosek: (slams his sword into a horse's legs with Sondecki force)

R> Knights: Charge!

R> Zagrosek: (throws Sondecki forcefield at knights)

R> Knights: Charge!

R> Zagrosek: (hurls knight across the camp with Sondecki strength)

R> Knights: Charge!

R> Zagrosek: (sidesteps and stabs a knight in the ribs and then stabs the
R> horse with Sondecki dexterity)

R> Yeshuel: Charge!

R> Zagrosek: (stabs a Yeshuel and decapitates the other with Sondecki 
R> sleight-of-hand)

R> Albert: Do we have, like, a plan that doesn't involve charging?

R> Footmen: Charge!

R> Zagrosek: Whew, that was tough, but I managed to use the last of my 
R> Sondeck killing everyone.

R> Albert: Not me!

R> Agathe: Zagrosek, you pompous self-centered pig! Stop wasting time and
R> kill the Patriarch!

R> Albert: Ack!

R> Zagrosek: The Patriarch's gone! If only there were a way to track him,
R> like if the ground were muddy or something!

R> Agathe: You're lucky I know the Deus Ex Machina rune, you irresponsible
R> hyper-masculine baboon.

R> Zagrosek: Excellent! I will chase him down using my Sondecki speed!

R> Patriarch: My men may not have been ready to die, but I am. But before I
R> die, tell me, why would a Sondecki like you assassinate someone like me?

R> Zagrosek: That's a secret.

R> Agathe: Zagrosek, you incompetent milk-blooded fencepost! There's a man
R> here you forgot to kill! Now kill him because I'm lazy!

R> Zagrosek: Wait, this is the man whose mind we read with my Sondecki 
R> mind-reading! Since he had an evil thought, let's kidnap him, with my 
R> Sondecki strength, and make him commit the act himself!

R> Agathe: I thought you ran out of Sondeck.

R> Zagrosek: Silly woman, everyone knows "Sondeck" is Southlandese for 
R> "plot powers".

R> Agathe: Let's just get to the shadow realm, you insipid turd of a rock
R> pigeon. Men suck. I'm suddenly horny, let's have sex!

R> ----

R> Thomas: This is all my fault, I should have sent more guards.

R> Phil: This is all my fault. I should have trusted you with my secrets.

R> Wessex: This is all Charles's fault! He and Zagrosek are collaborating
R> with Nasoj! I have no proof, but you must believe me, and tell him nothing!

R> Raven: Did something happen to the Patriarch?

R> Wessex: How did you know?!

R> Raven: Many intense prayer sessions, and also the fact that you and the
R> knights were running around everywhere.

R> Charles: Your grace. Terrible news, the Patriarch...

R> Raven: ... has died. I take it you found survivors, and they're up with
R> the healer? Otherwise, a loyal Patildor like yourself wouldn't have left
R> the scene of the crime.

R> Thomas: What an incredibly competent mind you have. If only we'd 
R> consulted you sooner.

R> Wessex: (grumble grumble)

R> Kashin: I have failed to protect the Patriarch. All I have is the dagger
R> that killed him, of Sathmoran design.

R> Raven: Good thing none of us are crazy enough to go wave it around and
R> claim that this is Sathmore's fault.

R> Wessex: Kashin, I need that dagger for another augury spell. Gimme gimme.

R> Kashin: No, I am bound by my Yeshuel oaths to carry this with me to 
R> Sathmore, and tell everyone that I have sworn revenge on the man who 
R> killed the Patriarch.

R> Raven: Ah, shoot.

R> Wessex: Hey, I'm just glad I'm not the only self-interested detective 
R> around here.

R> ----

R> Angernil: Thank you for the information, Raven. Too bad Akabaieth is 
R> dead, he could have brought peace between the faiths once and for all.

R> Raven: And now corruption remains everywhere, our own council acts 
R> against us, and war approaches.

R> Angernil. Yep. This meeting of the Ineffectual Members of the 
R> Lightbringer Council is now adjourned.

R> ----

R> Dream Woman: Welcome home, Elvmere. Now accept Murikeer's gift and 
R> embrace magic.

R> Vinsah: But why? Why did you care so much that I stay at Metamor, and 
R> left the rest of my friends to die?

R> Dream Woman: We all ask that question, but sometimes, we must accept it
R> as the will of the creator.

R> Vinsah: So you have no idea either.

R> Coe: Ah, you are awake! Guess what, you are turning into a raccoon, like
R> me! With a mask and everything!

R> Vinsah: Could you make sure no one else enters? All this blatant irony
R> is making me sick.

R> ----

R> Andre: I am so sorry, Yacoub, for the loss of Albert. And our beloved 
R> Patriarch, too, I guess. But we did find his horse and yours!

R> Andre & Saulius & Yacoub: Hurray!

R> ----

R> Andares: Greetings, friend. I am an Aelf, and my master told me to find
R> you. He says this was not just an assassination, but a conspiracy. 
R> Follow me if you wish to hunt these conspirators who murdered the Patriarch.

R> Kashin: This sounds like a plot hook. How many are we at, right now?

R> ----


R> (Postscript: I finished reading Liturgy of Blood a couple months ago, 
R> and I found I had very mixed feelings about it. Everything that ISN'T 
R> written above (and some stuff that is), I enjoyed quite a bit, but... 
R> there's a few things that stuck out, so I had to write this. Apologies
R> to MattRat for this :)

R> If you didn't get the subject reference, this was inspired by ISAM's 
R> legendary Wheel of Time summaries.)


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-- 
Best regards,
 AmigaDragon                            mailto:ejolson at wiktel.com